Floating Into View

It has been too long since the last blog. Yet there has not been very much going on.

Or at least, there is far too much of living in the moment that I keep forgetting how much I enjoy reflecting on things.

What does come into my mind on a regular basis is my unusual need for a systematical complex challenge. Something that is equivalent to completing a 20 x 20 times table in my head. Great for falling asleep and concentrating my mind, but the need to have something a bit more tangible to inspire me. Two years ago I managed to create a level system so that I could encourage myself to complete certain chores. Yes, a level system as in levels 1 - 99 with an x amount of experience to learn within each level. There is a mathematical obsession that I have been trying to tame, but it bothers me to the point that I have to complete it. The attention to every single detail to craft a one whole great piece. The tedium that allows me to become so focused that I do not need to worry about every other thing that is passing by me.

Thanks to this desire, I have a few books on physics and calculus that I need to read. And I mean need, like if I don't do something mathematical at some point in my life, I will get a little loopy. It is like music, the heart of me that fuels my life. Math is the logic that I have tried to cling to even though it drifted from my grasp. I hunger for it like a young girl lost in her first major crush.

Maybe the new med is making me a little flighty. Or maybe the small performance on Saturday finally kick-started that one thing within me that I've been trying to find this entire time.

I'm not quite sure myself, but time will tell.

Imaginary Boundries

I trap myself in my own fears.

What should be used as bridges, is broken down into planks for walls within walls.

Thankfully I now have broken down several layers of walls that I can finally see outside. But what is outside is so fascinating and confusing that the older me is trying to rebuild. It takes extra effort for me to relax and let go of my consuming general anxiety.

So to stop these walls from rising up, and to move on from this gridlock, I often try to find an outside force or perspective to get me out. Video games sometimes help, friends also give a better perspective. Getting outside of the house is imperative. Incense is relieving as well as transcending literature and music.

Really what I crave for is mediation on a regular basis. But the rooms are too active, and the heat is bothering me right now. I know if I did it at home, there would always be the chance of an interruption.

Too many thoughts are interrupting my mind, that I try to find my mathematical solace, within details. May it be trying to itemize things or trying my best at the multiplication table (20x20), I look for order.

I want to reach the most common denominator in the world around me and focus on that. Which I find to be love and music. From there I determine what works best for me.

I am keeping it simple and orderly for myself so that I can go best in whatever way my life indicates to go. But not in a swimming way with societal measures. By listening to the heartbeat within, I can go with what naturally comes to me.

For boundaries fall by the persistent force of unity.