What IS An Intangible Battle?

Silence... not moving, or making a decision is still a decision.

The worst of it is over, and I accept and understand each failure I made as I completed my final senior thesis for a B.A. degree. It took over three years, four if you include the year of me struggling to develop some semblance of a workable plan.

The depression was obvious. It would creep into my day, drowning me in loneliness until I had to replenish the tears with alcohol. Then that stretched into questionable nightly habits, desperately clinging on to comedy shows that alleviated the pain that cut into me. That pain morphed into my body, causing odd bathroom breaks with occasional blood and farts that would make a manly man blush. What was first my mental struggle had become a full-blown physical attack.

After the abuse from horrible eating and drinking habits, I finally took action in August to determine just why the blood keeps coming. Hemorrhoids could not be the only culprit, how can they burst so often, even if I do go on good stretches of exercise? What has not helped is the last bond of straining to restrain my body in a chair as I stare at a screen, hoping for the last of a paper to finalize in the appropriate time frame.

Then just a few days ago, I sealed the coffin with the last nail. After having a quick swim and breakfast, I jumped into cleaning up a rough presentation. Down to the wire, I was willing to offer the first (and only draft) of my paper to my professors for their discerning eyes. The moment the papers left my hands, a bit more control rushed into me.

Just as I have been taking responsibility for what I now acknowledge as ADHD; as I have accepted and mending a bacterial overgrowth of the small intestine; as I have countered my depression and anxiety with vigilant meditation and reflection; as I have accepted my weakness for excess of placebos for happiness, I accept the failures and mishaps that I would not have experienced otherwise. I would not have been inspired to discover that Playback Theater was a perfect place for me to internship with. If it were not for the thesis process, I would not have received my first ever rejection letter from a magazine editor. If it was not for my misguided hope to write a musical based on a famous singer-song writer, I would not have had the chance to talk to a professional in the music label industry.

There were plenty of chances for me to fall back into old habits. I even fell into temptation a few times. There was the occasional day of overeating, but I had to be careful what I ate in case my bowels decided to act up. Irrational shopping was eventually reversed by admitting my weakness and making a mindful plan to detract the power of it. Then twice last week, I had a drink.

Last Sunday was the worst. Instead of an intangible battle, it was an intangible war. Going to a wedding for an old childhood friend was overwhelming. Anxiety froze me into place, depression rattled my body with a malaise, my ADHD threading strings of lucid awareness and hyper-awareness into the outdoor ceremony. There was no chance I could take any of my medications early, it wasn't time yet. In such an important event, it would be difficult to go off and exercise the stress out. Most of all, any sense of logic was under full attack from the hurricane of emotions that it was difficult to see the center of the storm.

Okay so it wasn't a drink. There were several... maybe seven? That emotional response provided me a chance to boldly approach an old best friend who I had not talked to in a long time. But after that night I regretted all the drinking. Despite that guilt, that did not stop me from having a glass of port the night before my thesis presentation.

That will be the last time college will induce me into drinking. My liver has suffered abuse that was meant for the brain, and my thoughts have managed to catch up to logic. Intangible battles are mental and emotional responses to intense, difficult situations. The pain that was recorded internally became so unbearable that physical abuse was necessary to nullify the maddening thoughts and rambling emotions.

Handing a paper over, feeling my bags lighten from the absence of that package has helped. The steps I have taken recently reinforces the strength that has taken several years to rebuild. The mirage of perfection that I had been chasing has dissipated, revealing a starkly color world that I have somehow failed to notice for several years. For a change I can see the world for what it is... not what I want to see, or how others would want me to see it.

People will judge me for being unemployed and just get over myself. Others will judge me for still living with my parents and that I should carry my own weight. Some think I am whining and don't know just how good I have it and shouldn't throw away what good I have now.

They know hardly anything about me. I know hardly anything about them. We have no idea just how many thoughts run through our brains all the time. Everyone has their own inner battles. May it be a battle for inner peace, quietness, balance, faith, God, Goddess, Spaghetti Monster, Cathulu, or Universe... Our minds are fluid, thoughts and opinions ever changing. We are hardly ever the same person, even from a minute ago. Intangible battles are the changing tides of the mind, and this is a spiritual or holistic transformation that we all inevitably face.

Putting Out the Bra-Burning Myth: The Current Faces of Feminism

Behind doors, no one even dares to whisper the F word. What used to be a call for women liberation and struggle for rights, is now a dirty word. Some imagine bra bonfires, while others hear demands for equality that they believe women can not handle. Feminism has changed over the years, and has evolved into a mixed bag of men and women. It is active today in our daily lives, but is being fought over by different fractions.

1. The Lovers. This is the feminist stereotype: a  Lady Godiva walking through town to dump her Lord to meet her Sappho lover. There was a point in time where a few feminists believed so strongly that women did not need men that they actively pursued female relationships despite their orientation. This fraction still exists, but marginally so.
2. The Sisters. Another woman-only group, yet this is a supportive community. It provides a safe space for women who need help. It is a talking group, and participates in events that empower the individual. They are cordial to men, but prefer to have their own space. Sometimes they pair up with the Brotherhood.
3. The Brotherhood. This is the man gendered group of feminists. Made up of multi-gendered men and of several sexual orientations, they sympathize with the Sisters. Commonly they get involved in events with women's supervision, sometimes copying their actions. Other times, they stand by and act as cheerleaders.
4. The Partners. This group has no restrictions in membership. This face of feminism looks for a balanced approach. It sees men and women as equals, but with different abilities. They pointedly make the effort to communicate and find solutions between the genders.
5. The Humanists. Humanists have their own established world view. They are concerned with global issues, which sometimes included feminist events. These people are open-minded, and do not necessarily have to have an opinion about the importance of men and women. This is a logically, fact-orientated group.
6. The Unknowing. Thanks to several events from the feminist movement, there are several liberties that permeate into current society. Every so often someone on the news will say, "I am not a feminist, but..." These people are afraid to call themselves a feminist either because they live in an environment that mocks the movement, or that the individual believes that feminists are more like the lovers.

We do not have to be afraid of feminism anymore. There are plenty of people who believe in the theory. It just becomes a question of what do you need in a community.