What IS An Intangible Battle?

Silence... not moving, or making a decision is still a decision.

The worst of it is over, and I accept and understand each failure I made as I completed my final senior thesis for a B.A. degree. It took over three years, four if you include the year of me struggling to develop some semblance of a workable plan.

The depression was obvious. It would creep into my day, drowning me in loneliness until I had to replenish the tears with alcohol. Then that stretched into questionable nightly habits, desperately clinging on to comedy shows that alleviated the pain that cut into me. That pain morphed into my body, causing odd bathroom breaks with occasional blood and farts that would make a manly man blush. What was first my mental struggle had become a full-blown physical attack.

After the abuse from horrible eating and drinking habits, I finally took action in August to determine just why the blood keeps coming. Hemorrhoids could not be the only culprit, how can they burst so often, even if I do go on good stretches of exercise? What has not helped is the last bond of straining to restrain my body in a chair as I stare at a screen, hoping for the last of a paper to finalize in the appropriate time frame.

Then just a few days ago, I sealed the coffin with the last nail. After having a quick swim and breakfast, I jumped into cleaning up a rough presentation. Down to the wire, I was willing to offer the first (and only draft) of my paper to my professors for their discerning eyes. The moment the papers left my hands, a bit more control rushed into me.

Just as I have been taking responsibility for what I now acknowledge as ADHD; as I have accepted and mending a bacterial overgrowth of the small intestine; as I have countered my depression and anxiety with vigilant meditation and reflection; as I have accepted my weakness for excess of placebos for happiness, I accept the failures and mishaps that I would not have experienced otherwise. I would not have been inspired to discover that Playback Theater was a perfect place for me to internship with. If it were not for the thesis process, I would not have received my first ever rejection letter from a magazine editor. If it was not for my misguided hope to write a musical based on a famous singer-song writer, I would not have had the chance to talk to a professional in the music label industry.

There were plenty of chances for me to fall back into old habits. I even fell into temptation a few times. There was the occasional day of overeating, but I had to be careful what I ate in case my bowels decided to act up. Irrational shopping was eventually reversed by admitting my weakness and making a mindful plan to detract the power of it. Then twice last week, I had a drink.

Last Sunday was the worst. Instead of an intangible battle, it was an intangible war. Going to a wedding for an old childhood friend was overwhelming. Anxiety froze me into place, depression rattled my body with a malaise, my ADHD threading strings of lucid awareness and hyper-awareness into the outdoor ceremony. There was no chance I could take any of my medications early, it wasn't time yet. In such an important event, it would be difficult to go off and exercise the stress out. Most of all, any sense of logic was under full attack from the hurricane of emotions that it was difficult to see the center of the storm.

Okay so it wasn't a drink. There were several... maybe seven? That emotional response provided me a chance to boldly approach an old best friend who I had not talked to in a long time. But after that night I regretted all the drinking. Despite that guilt, that did not stop me from having a glass of port the night before my thesis presentation.

That will be the last time college will induce me into drinking. My liver has suffered abuse that was meant for the brain, and my thoughts have managed to catch up to logic. Intangible battles are mental and emotional responses to intense, difficult situations. The pain that was recorded internally became so unbearable that physical abuse was necessary to nullify the maddening thoughts and rambling emotions.

Handing a paper over, feeling my bags lighten from the absence of that package has helped. The steps I have taken recently reinforces the strength that has taken several years to rebuild. The mirage of perfection that I had been chasing has dissipated, revealing a starkly color world that I have somehow failed to notice for several years. For a change I can see the world for what it is... not what I want to see, or how others would want me to see it.

People will judge me for being unemployed and just get over myself. Others will judge me for still living with my parents and that I should carry my own weight. Some think I am whining and don't know just how good I have it and shouldn't throw away what good I have now.

They know hardly anything about me. I know hardly anything about them. We have no idea just how many thoughts run through our brains all the time. Everyone has their own inner battles. May it be a battle for inner peace, quietness, balance, faith, God, Goddess, Spaghetti Monster, Cathulu, or Universe... Our minds are fluid, thoughts and opinions ever changing. We are hardly ever the same person, even from a minute ago. Intangible battles are the changing tides of the mind, and this is a spiritual or holistic transformation that we all inevitably face.

Trust The Open Window

Time has been closing in on me, and I keep aloof, in denial of my conclusion. I know that I’m craving a type of self-destruction that can come only so often. I’m beginning to realize though, that this is the beginning of something else. I know I keep acting like my world is at an end. But in a way, it is. This is partially because I am about to graduate, but it is also that I have moved on from last year. So I cannot help but look towards the future. Each transcending song that I come across reminds me that I can climb even higher than I ever thought that I could climb.

What seems to be wrong is that I procrastinate. So I will admit it. I am procrastinating. I am afraid of failure, success, and the completion of my thesis. I know when I finish it, I will, basically, be done with 95% of my college career. It’s frightening. What other shows can I do? What is next for me?

Usually when faced with the invetitable changes that life throws at me, I take a moment to take it in, and then I move. Yes, I also hestitate, but I know what it means. I know what is coming towards me. I don’t want do my thesis because I feel it is the epitemy of my time here. I am afraid. My best work came in acting classes. Things didn’t work out, and didn’t get to act as much as I wanted to. However, what I did manage to do, was to increase my knowledge in various parts of the theater. I opened my eyes, and I realize that there are more techniques and styles of acting that I can handle. I went outside of high school and proved, showed that I can be a great, and powerful actress. I kept acting, even when I didn’t feel like it. When I felt as though I should give up, I shook it off and kept doing what I was doing. When I gave up on Pygmaillion, it came to me. Not me climbing desprately to it. I showed my strength that I don’t always see. When I ended a relationship and saw it burn to ashes, I still acted.

Now that I am faced with a terminal ending, I falter. When it came to Fame, I did let go, but I gave the excuse that I was caught up with college stuff. But then I look at violin. I gave that up when my teacher stopped teaching. What a mistake. I wish that I kept playing. It gave me another meaning, another label that I still have clung closely to. I cannot, I must not let that happen again. I love acting, I love singing, and I still love violin. I will not let go of these loves again. It’s a piece of me that seems to die. They give me more meaning than the internet has ever done. They were my excuse to go out, perform, and live more. I owe it to myself to take advantage of them again, and love wholly, and love musically. Love artistically.

Modern Women Warfare is quite different than Fame, but it still has those traits of my character. Strong, empowered, and real. I don’t know if I could say that the male characters I played were real, but I did feel a special connection to the Minstrel from Once Upon A Mattress. I loved the ambiguity. He defined himself by his work, and that’s how I defined myself.

‘Nyways. Here’s my shpeel. I’ve been bad. Reflexively, my mind craves justice. So I inflict it on myself. It’s a habit. I feel as though if no one does it, then I have to. I have to take responsibility for myself.

But here’s where it gets tricky. I’m done with feeling guilty. Not anymore. I’m done with that. Where does that leave me? Well I’m asking myself that right now.

Where does that leave you Sarah?

That leaves me at the point to forgive myself and then the last step would be to move on. It’s simple really. I just have a hard time forgiving myself. I push myself, to feel retribution. 

However, I do think I’ve been getting better. I’ve been writing a bit more than I was last semester. And that has helped me. I’ve been more talkative, and that helps. After months of just cruising, my mind is finally set in it’s tracks and I find myself entering deep thoughts without withering.

One of my best ideas so far? Valentine’s Day. Making it about me! I can take care of those cards for my friends, make the decided effort to clean up for my thesis, and make me feel special.

I feel as though I owe it to myself to make the life that I want to live. I owe it to myself to do what it is I want to do, not just float along life not thinking. Living takes energy. And it can be scary as hell. I know exactly what I want. I’m just afraid to say it because I think the moment that I say what it is, that I will not ever get it. I tend to think that once you create a possibility, it’s never going to happen.

But that may be for the best. Because if you dream, you can find something even better. I’m afraid to know what can be better. I just want what I want. Heh, I realize that’s rather immature of me. But I know that to be true, if you close your mind to possibilities you can be satisfied with whatever comes to you. However, if you let yourself dream, if you put in the effort and take the energy to live out your life, then you’re going to get it. And even more.

I keep looking towards the future. And it’s ridiculously scary. I know, stay focused on the now. But I tend to flash towards the future. Figure it out, if you know what I mean.

I need to go. But before before I do so. There’s just one thing.

I forgive myself for being destructive. I know it’s been a hard time, and I tend to handle problems either by creating or by destroying. It’s in my nature. I understand myself now. And I forgive myself for everything I have done. I relieve myself of all the guilt that I've pent up. There is no more need to curse, nor threaten myself.

This is the time that I should be celebrating my work. I know that it’s been painful at times, but when it was good, it was great. When you learn to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, you loosen up a lot of that frustration and become less stressed. Life becomes easier because you learn to let go. Let go of your guilt like you have let go of your friends from elementary school, like you have let go of your old relationships. Keep the lessons and the good memories. But everything else can go. I deserve the happiness, success, and talent that surrounds me. We all deserve that goodness. Let them in, and purge yourself from those things that eat inside of you.

Balance the world within you, then you can begin to balance with the world around you.