Getting Lost in the Closet and How to Get Back Out

Closet.

The word conjures up several different images. Skeletons in the closet, cleaning out the closet, coming out of it...

As Peter, Paul, and Mary would put it, it’s what’s inside that really counts. A room is reflective of the individual who lives in it. But if that is so, what does my closet say of me?

Shelf upon shelf is filled with mementos, clothes, and everything else that I could not fit under my bed or in it’s proper home. Plans for the future are cramped into a space with mismatched evidence of my past. Of course, none of it makes sense. Yet, I know the moment that I clean it out, I will see everything clearly. There will be no mystery of my closet left. There will be no more surprises about myself.

In that regard I am what astrology would call a true Pieces: disorganized to the point that it is predictable, relying on intuition and mystery to fuel dwindling inspiration.

I need my closet to be messy, or my bed, or my room. I dislike being so open and apparent. A messy room is a lived-in room. A pristine room is filled with so much potential. But I digress.
The closet.

My bane, but it could be your best friend.The things that matter most are placed forward, your clothes organized in some order that you prefer. Is it organized by every detail, or by generalizations. Such as shirts are shirts, with  your favorites closest to the door.

My issue is not the ability to clean my room, I fear what cleaning makes me become. The moment I allow myself to clear this gaping closet, is the moment I release the true perfectionist out. Shirts will be organized by color, length, and type; socks perfectly aligned and separated in a similar fashion; shoes, sandals, and slippers aligned in height and popularity.

And once I conquer the closet, I would have to clean the rest of my room to a similar perfection. My dresser, bookshelf, and CDs will have to suffer a similar fate. Let us not even mention the filing cabinet.

My lack of action is not because of the lack of energy, rather than the containment of personal idiosyncrasies. I know exactly what my closet would reveal. That woman is far more obsessed and exacting than I make myself seem to be. All these past years I have been trying to relax and ridicule myself into a state of Zen-like balance. Learning to take myself less seriously can only go so far, and looking into what I call my core personality may throw me back into my old habits.

No, I do not want to clean out my closet. No, I do not want to revert back into what I was before. I hook myself onto details in order to avoid what I was molding into being; not crafting my own path.
In the meantime, my method of attack is to approach the closet, my mess, my life, with an exact distance of interest. Interest of purging, but an emotional distance to the project. Perhaps there is a name that others use to this method, but I would argue that I hold too much meaning to too many things. Thus I always wait for the right days to clean, or to drop things from my life. Otherwise, I spend hours sitting on the ground reading old notes from middle school, rather than emptying the box in front of me.

No, I have not come across Narnia or dead bodies in my closet. Avoiding the gravitational pull into that black hole is difficult, but the anchor of my real life will always be right by me. There are crumbs leading me back to the moment that I have to leave. Otherwise I will get stuck back in high school, or elementary school. My mess is my creation, and thus of my own madness.

What do you think your closet says of you?

Licence To Be Awesome

Have you ever wondered how to be awesome?

Have you ever looked at someone you admired and wish you knew how they did it?

Have you ever complained how you can't do something because it just seems too hard?

Then wonder, look, and complain no more, for I'm about to tell you the secret to untap your inner amazing self.

There is no course to take. No certificate to confirm your status (I just said licence to catch your attention). You don't need to jump through flame-torched rings over pirana-infested waters. Nor do you have to bust out of a giant bubble, surrounded by fireworks on a stage towards an audience of A-list celebrities.

We are ignoring the glitz and spectacles to reach to the depths of your abilities, because awesomeness cannot always be bought. People tend to also recognize respect and some layers of character.

If you want to be awesome just to get attention, then don't bother reading any farther. Have fun making drama and keep your ignorance to yourself.

But... If you want to know how to tap that inner ability to enforce and empower your life, then listen closely.

Learn to reflect upon yourself.

Awesomeness is earned through realizing your own abilities and learning how to engage them with enthusiasm and dedication.

So take a quiet moment or steal a brief minute to really think about what you have done. Successful people do not think about everything that they cannot do: successful people think about all the good things that they can do and acknowledge what they can't do. By using what works in a focused way allows one to be effective in their work. Limit that scope of thoughts gives you a boost to look at the list of Can't-Do's in a constructive manner, so you can learn how they can improve.

Really, the person that you most want to impress with your abilities is yourself. I have found that usually my best support is myself. Yes, sometimes I have doubts, but I have found that my parents and friends remind me of my successes and ablilities. Sometimes I am stubborn and don't believe what they say. But when I am on my side, I have always found that I always do my best. Even if the project is a failure, I can still walk away with the satisfaction knowing that I did what I could and learned from my mistakes.

This mentality is also helpful when you are applying for jobs and schools. All those questions they ask are opportunities for you to talk about how you have handled your losses and gains. There are different things that happen in life, and how you handle them helps the HR learn what type of person you are. And if you believe in yourself and know your strengths, then you may be able to sell yourself better than if you feel doubtful. Over this summer I had observed my own lack of faith in my ability to find a job (though the market isn't particularly helpful). Despite the outside factors, I always felt so negative about the applictions. Each one made me feel worse and worse till I just simply gave up in frustration. My sense of reason became overwhelmed by my lack of faith coupled with failures that I was not able to continue. Whatever happened to that sense of individual support and pride that I had always offered to myself in rough times?

It took me awhile to remember how to relearn this lesson. There were several other failures in my personal and work life that have crippled me. It has taken me months to get my heart back, and even longer to get my head screwed back on straight. I don't worry about how those failures are seen by others; they do not know what those have meant to me, and probably never will.

But I am not here on Earth to tell people how terrible 2010 was for me. I am here to share my experiences and successes with people who are encouraged to learn from. May it be a tune from a song, a line from a play, an image from a poem, or a thought from my writing: these are done to inspire them to take a pause in their life to think of something or someone. This is my ability and I hope to be able to continue to do so. Even if there is no one really listening or reading, I continue to do so, for every hundred or thousands of people who come across me, only a few people will really be struck by what they discover. And I do all of this for that few. To know that I have that ability makes me feel so inspired, and always, I hope that I never give up this dream that I can have that effect. In short, I feel awesome.

I was a good actress in high school, but that didn't make me awesome. The applause and laughs did.

I am a great singer, but that doesn't qualify me either. But the tears and twisted guts do.

The clothes and boots I wear do not make me feel like this, the attitude that I take on with the outfit makes me believe in myself.

Find those strengths and take ownership of them. Not a lot of people will always tell you how awesome you are; family and friends only strech so far across time and space. Love and cherish them, but don't forget that you will also need yourself to help you become great.

Look on the inside, and I can guarantee you that you will be surprised at what you find.