Shedding Skin, Dandruff By Dandruff

I feel like I'm nit-picking at a whole stretch of skin. Except of dealing with dry skin, I am dealing with a personality that just doesn't work.

How do I properly vocalize that I am not even living my own life? For the longest time, I was thinking I was just plain depressed and didn't know what to do. Yet now I am thinking, no, I know what I want to do. But there is something that I keep falling back into. Maybe it is a habit, or a well-trained person. Just the good little girl that was expected of me.

Good god, if I was supposed to be someone's tool, then I'd rather be dead than to have someone else take over my mind.

F--k culture trying to brainwash kids into being the images that their parents want them to be. Gender-typifying, stereotyping standards, ect. It is enough to make me want to go screaming around in the stores cursing their intrusive advertising attacks. I can't even shop any more.

To be with my boyfriend or certain groups of friends, I feel awake, more myself than I ever have been. But the moment I go into "normal" situations, I feel the pressure of being plain boxy normal.

There is a reason that part of my depression has included anger. I HATE being pressured into being something that I am not.

There is so much ignorance, uneducated, and underdeveloped people who run on insufficient information. And to be dealing with the lack of their curiosity kills me. How do you not want to understand even just a few things about your life? Why live the life that someone else has prescribed for you? Does it even work for you? What makes you think that your diet is sufficient and will make you a healthy and efficient human being?

And to acknowledge my own laziness is beyond frustrating. I live in two realities with two personalities, and right now it is bothering the cr-p out of me. I feel as though my therapist talks down to me, saying I am "a good, sweet, innocent young lady".

A. Suggesting I am good, means that you will react negatively if I were to voice my anger and things that I would otherwise not tell my parents.

B. Fuck being sweet. I don't want to be sweet. I want to be taken seriously you old geezer.

C. Innocent? Naive? Maybe a bit because I haven't been in certain circumstances, but it does not make me an idiot. And I am certainly more aware then some dumb-asses out there in the world.

D. Are you suggesting that I know absolutely nothing?

E. Fuck you, that sounds insulting. Why can't I just be a woman? Do you see yourself as someone above me?

This pisses me off, and the fact that I act differently in two different arenas. I fucking hate that I can't speak out loud the way I want to. Why can't I just get down to the nitty-gritty? I do NOT want to fucking talk about the damn circles that I have talked about before. I am done with that part of my life. You are making me relive something I have already forgiven and forgotten and have moved on in my life.

I am pissed off more at the fact that I have to listen to your assumptions. We haven't even gotten to the good part yet, why are you jumping down my throat?

I want my own god-damned life, and at 23, I'd say it's long overdue for a teenage rebellion. Fuck being the good little girl. I've grown up and changed. It's about time that my surroundings have done the same.

Yes, You Need That Supplement

Ever think that you’re fine the way you are, that what you have is good enough; anything more would be unnecessary?  During this summer I have figured, oh, things will work out, there is not much I can do anyway. Even when looking for a new laptop I was limited by what I simply wanted. In my mind I saw a new laptop with my music, Internet, and a word processor. There was not much that I wanted other than a replacement for the Mac that met it’s tragic and premature fate. With the help of my family I came to choose a laptop that I fancied, merely because it was cheap. Oh, and that it came with the option to save itself from me. (Who knew that computers could be insured with drop protection?)
And now here I am, sitting in my corner of the house, typing my blog in a program that came with the computer. Finally, I can have easier access to my work and prepare more posts!
I didn’t need this program, but it has made me better. It’s the writing supplement that I never knew I needed. It is the fish oil to make my writer’s heart stronger.
Even my mind would do well with a supplement of happiness encapsulated in the form of an M&M. The point of these items is not to make you “not natural” or such, rather, it helps you improve yourself and your habits. In a world where perfection is the image of someone else’s dream, we should strive to be our best selves as much as possible.
So be the one to choose what supplements to craft yourself to be that You 2.0. May it be a program that makes life easier, or medicine that helps you achieve better health… continue to make your life enjoyable and better.

The Illusion of Comfort

What is life without death?
What is love without hate?
What is destruction without creation?

And most of all, what is comfort without fear?

Think of the old adage of "No pain, no gain." Everything seems to cycle together over and over again. They are seasons of a year that can only be described as an archaic pendulum. Back and forth. Back and forth. And for polar opposites that don't fit that, there is always the image of a coin with a head and tail. Somethings are one in the same; for example, love and hate.

What love and hate have in common is passion. From there, the passion grows... morphs to the external and internal forces.

Comfort and fear, have a common ground that isn't quite as obvious as love and hate. It isn't a coin connection, but they don't act as seasons either.

Before I go any farther, I want to clarify how I am using the words. I'm using the word comfort in terms of living in comfort by removing one's self out of the path of harm's way. And I'm using fear in terms of living with anticipation, usually anxiety.

Two words that we have been defining factors on how we view life. Do we let ourselves learn how to "comfort" or strive for a "comfortable" home away from fear? Or do we live with "fear"? Why do we watch movies and t.v. shows that horrify us in our own homes?

Unlike love and hate, comfort and fear are co-dependent. They are different, but each defines the other, much like the correlation of sweetness to sourness.

During the past years, I've been familiar with comfort. But at the same time, I despise it. In a world where we all die, and have threats crossing boarders, this bubble feels fake. Too much comfort, I would become ignorant of others (which I struggle to avoid). Too much fear, I would break. Yet at this point, I fear comfort and feel comfortable in fear. How I managed to blend the two together, I cannot say. Before, I knew that I was lost in what used to be familiar, and I still am. Yet, in a twist I did not see coming, I now have an odd sense to fear. Should I be afraid of this sudden ease towards what usually causes anxiety, or have I finally reached a state of relaxation in my mind so that I can still be comforted?

Personally, I think it's healthy to fear things. But when that fear disappears, what is left to hold you back? Especially when you don't find comfort comforting? Where does that put you?

And because of that, my mind opens up even wider, and threatens to make a deliberate change.

Trust The Open Window

Time has been closing in on me, and I keep aloof, in denial of my conclusion. I know that I’m craving a type of self-destruction that can come only so often. I’m beginning to realize though, that this is the beginning of something else. I know I keep acting like my world is at an end. But in a way, it is. This is partially because I am about to graduate, but it is also that I have moved on from last year. So I cannot help but look towards the future. Each transcending song that I come across reminds me that I can climb even higher than I ever thought that I could climb.

What seems to be wrong is that I procrastinate. So I will admit it. I am procrastinating. I am afraid of failure, success, and the completion of my thesis. I know when I finish it, I will, basically, be done with 95% of my college career. It’s frightening. What other shows can I do? What is next for me?

Usually when faced with the invetitable changes that life throws at me, I take a moment to take it in, and then I move. Yes, I also hestitate, but I know what it means. I know what is coming towards me. I don’t want do my thesis because I feel it is the epitemy of my time here. I am afraid. My best work came in acting classes. Things didn’t work out, and didn’t get to act as much as I wanted to. However, what I did manage to do, was to increase my knowledge in various parts of the theater. I opened my eyes, and I realize that there are more techniques and styles of acting that I can handle. I went outside of high school and proved, showed that I can be a great, and powerful actress. I kept acting, even when I didn’t feel like it. When I felt as though I should give up, I shook it off and kept doing what I was doing. When I gave up on Pygmaillion, it came to me. Not me climbing desprately to it. I showed my strength that I don’t always see. When I ended a relationship and saw it burn to ashes, I still acted.

Now that I am faced with a terminal ending, I falter. When it came to Fame, I did let go, but I gave the excuse that I was caught up with college stuff. But then I look at violin. I gave that up when my teacher stopped teaching. What a mistake. I wish that I kept playing. It gave me another meaning, another label that I still have clung closely to. I cannot, I must not let that happen again. I love acting, I love singing, and I still love violin. I will not let go of these loves again. It’s a piece of me that seems to die. They give me more meaning than the internet has ever done. They were my excuse to go out, perform, and live more. I owe it to myself to take advantage of them again, and love wholly, and love musically. Love artistically.

Modern Women Warfare is quite different than Fame, but it still has those traits of my character. Strong, empowered, and real. I don’t know if I could say that the male characters I played were real, but I did feel a special connection to the Minstrel from Once Upon A Mattress. I loved the ambiguity. He defined himself by his work, and that’s how I defined myself.

‘Nyways. Here’s my shpeel. I’ve been bad. Reflexively, my mind craves justice. So I inflict it on myself. It’s a habit. I feel as though if no one does it, then I have to. I have to take responsibility for myself.

But here’s where it gets tricky. I’m done with feeling guilty. Not anymore. I’m done with that. Where does that leave me? Well I’m asking myself that right now.

Where does that leave you Sarah?

That leaves me at the point to forgive myself and then the last step would be to move on. It’s simple really. I just have a hard time forgiving myself. I push myself, to feel retribution. 

However, I do think I’ve been getting better. I’ve been writing a bit more than I was last semester. And that has helped me. I’ve been more talkative, and that helps. After months of just cruising, my mind is finally set in it’s tracks and I find myself entering deep thoughts without withering.

One of my best ideas so far? Valentine’s Day. Making it about me! I can take care of those cards for my friends, make the decided effort to clean up for my thesis, and make me feel special.

I feel as though I owe it to myself to make the life that I want to live. I owe it to myself to do what it is I want to do, not just float along life not thinking. Living takes energy. And it can be scary as hell. I know exactly what I want. I’m just afraid to say it because I think the moment that I say what it is, that I will not ever get it. I tend to think that once you create a possibility, it’s never going to happen.

But that may be for the best. Because if you dream, you can find something even better. I’m afraid to know what can be better. I just want what I want. Heh, I realize that’s rather immature of me. But I know that to be true, if you close your mind to possibilities you can be satisfied with whatever comes to you. However, if you let yourself dream, if you put in the effort and take the energy to live out your life, then you’re going to get it. And even more.

I keep looking towards the future. And it’s ridiculously scary. I know, stay focused on the now. But I tend to flash towards the future. Figure it out, if you know what I mean.

I need to go. But before before I do so. There’s just one thing.

I forgive myself for being destructive. I know it’s been a hard time, and I tend to handle problems either by creating or by destroying. It’s in my nature. I understand myself now. And I forgive myself for everything I have done. I relieve myself of all the guilt that I've pent up. There is no more need to curse, nor threaten myself.

This is the time that I should be celebrating my work. I know that it’s been painful at times, but when it was good, it was great. When you learn to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, you loosen up a lot of that frustration and become less stressed. Life becomes easier because you learn to let go. Let go of your guilt like you have let go of your friends from elementary school, like you have let go of your old relationships. Keep the lessons and the good memories. But everything else can go. I deserve the happiness, success, and talent that surrounds me. We all deserve that goodness. Let them in, and purge yourself from those things that eat inside of you.

Balance the world within you, then you can begin to balance with the world around you.