Trust The Open Window

Time has been closing in on me, and I keep aloof, in denial of my conclusion. I know that I’m craving a type of self-destruction that can come only so often. I’m beginning to realize though, that this is the beginning of something else. I know I keep acting like my world is at an end. But in a way, it is. This is partially because I am about to graduate, but it is also that I have moved on from last year. So I cannot help but look towards the future. Each transcending song that I come across reminds me that I can climb even higher than I ever thought that I could climb.

What seems to be wrong is that I procrastinate. So I will admit it. I am procrastinating. I am afraid of failure, success, and the completion of my thesis. I know when I finish it, I will, basically, be done with 95% of my college career. It’s frightening. What other shows can I do? What is next for me?

Usually when faced with the invetitable changes that life throws at me, I take a moment to take it in, and then I move. Yes, I also hestitate, but I know what it means. I know what is coming towards me. I don’t want do my thesis because I feel it is the epitemy of my time here. I am afraid. My best work came in acting classes. Things didn’t work out, and didn’t get to act as much as I wanted to. However, what I did manage to do, was to increase my knowledge in various parts of the theater. I opened my eyes, and I realize that there are more techniques and styles of acting that I can handle. I went outside of high school and proved, showed that I can be a great, and powerful actress. I kept acting, even when I didn’t feel like it. When I felt as though I should give up, I shook it off and kept doing what I was doing. When I gave up on Pygmaillion, it came to me. Not me climbing desprately to it. I showed my strength that I don’t always see. When I ended a relationship and saw it burn to ashes, I still acted.

Now that I am faced with a terminal ending, I falter. When it came to Fame, I did let go, but I gave the excuse that I was caught up with college stuff. But then I look at violin. I gave that up when my teacher stopped teaching. What a mistake. I wish that I kept playing. It gave me another meaning, another label that I still have clung closely to. I cannot, I must not let that happen again. I love acting, I love singing, and I still love violin. I will not let go of these loves again. It’s a piece of me that seems to die. They give me more meaning than the internet has ever done. They were my excuse to go out, perform, and live more. I owe it to myself to take advantage of them again, and love wholly, and love musically. Love artistically.

Modern Women Warfare is quite different than Fame, but it still has those traits of my character. Strong, empowered, and real. I don’t know if I could say that the male characters I played were real, but I did feel a special connection to the Minstrel from Once Upon A Mattress. I loved the ambiguity. He defined himself by his work, and that’s how I defined myself.

‘Nyways. Here’s my shpeel. I’ve been bad. Reflexively, my mind craves justice. So I inflict it on myself. It’s a habit. I feel as though if no one does it, then I have to. I have to take responsibility for myself.

But here’s where it gets tricky. I’m done with feeling guilty. Not anymore. I’m done with that. Where does that leave me? Well I’m asking myself that right now.

Where does that leave you Sarah?

That leaves me at the point to forgive myself and then the last step would be to move on. It’s simple really. I just have a hard time forgiving myself. I push myself, to feel retribution. 

However, I do think I’ve been getting better. I’ve been writing a bit more than I was last semester. And that has helped me. I’ve been more talkative, and that helps. After months of just cruising, my mind is finally set in it’s tracks and I find myself entering deep thoughts without withering.

One of my best ideas so far? Valentine’s Day. Making it about me! I can take care of those cards for my friends, make the decided effort to clean up for my thesis, and make me feel special.

I feel as though I owe it to myself to make the life that I want to live. I owe it to myself to do what it is I want to do, not just float along life not thinking. Living takes energy. And it can be scary as hell. I know exactly what I want. I’m just afraid to say it because I think the moment that I say what it is, that I will not ever get it. I tend to think that once you create a possibility, it’s never going to happen.

But that may be for the best. Because if you dream, you can find something even better. I’m afraid to know what can be better. I just want what I want. Heh, I realize that’s rather immature of me. But I know that to be true, if you close your mind to possibilities you can be satisfied with whatever comes to you. However, if you let yourself dream, if you put in the effort and take the energy to live out your life, then you’re going to get it. And even more.

I keep looking towards the future. And it’s ridiculously scary. I know, stay focused on the now. But I tend to flash towards the future. Figure it out, if you know what I mean.

I need to go. But before before I do so. There’s just one thing.

I forgive myself for being destructive. I know it’s been a hard time, and I tend to handle problems either by creating or by destroying. It’s in my nature. I understand myself now. And I forgive myself for everything I have done. I relieve myself of all the guilt that I've pent up. There is no more need to curse, nor threaten myself.

This is the time that I should be celebrating my work. I know that it’s been painful at times, but when it was good, it was great. When you learn to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, you loosen up a lot of that frustration and become less stressed. Life becomes easier because you learn to let go. Let go of your guilt like you have let go of your friends from elementary school, like you have let go of your old relationships. Keep the lessons and the good memories. But everything else can go. I deserve the happiness, success, and talent that surrounds me. We all deserve that goodness. Let them in, and purge yourself from those things that eat inside of you.

Balance the world within you, then you can begin to balance with the world around you.

Challenge, Don't Compare

2011 came in with the usual flash-bang of fireworks, fresh resolutions, alcohol, kisses, and inebriated popular cultural icons. (Here's looking at you Snooki... though I'm not a fan, not many get dropped in a ball.) As the year rang in, I kissed my dad on the cheek, sent texts of goodwill to family and friends, then went to bed.

Not exciting. But my new year didn't kick in till the following evening. I got an email from a prospective director for my latest work (i.e. thesis) and I was happier than I had been the entire year of 2010. At last, I was in a year that had some type of positive energy and luck. It was a great start... then I started to lose my energy. I've done more work for the spring than I did before, have visited old friends, and write more often. But sometimes it feels as though it isn't enough.

Still feels as though I have not done enough. That I don't have the stamina of a demi-goddess to tackle all of my projects. Or have the memory of an elephant so that I can actually remember to complete tasks that I started. And certainly, I don't have the magic to stop time so I can take care of more things during the day. Even though these images are unreachable, even my own mother can work laps around me...

And nothing discourages me more than a very occupied, busy, and rather organized mother.

Next thing I know, I bundle my clothes to the side, and curl up on a couch to read the latest in self-motivation.

Uh... hello? Something is wrong with this picture, besides that infinitely messy room. Kinda how I used a brillo pad to dust my room with. It's so obvious, that it's hilarious... in retrospect. If you don't do something... then it doesn't get done. Right? So sitting around, trying to read what I'm doing wrong isn't going to help anything. It's unproductive. I like that I'm able to learn a lot from reading, but taking action means so much more. It's the commitment and focus on an activity that makes it successful.

However, for the past year I've not been able to focus because I'm always worrying about every other thing that I have to do. Then I start to worry that I won't be as good as the other people around me, and reflect on what I do wrong, and how to change it. Don't get me wrong, self-evaluation is important, and can be helpful. However,  I'm warning about the habit of comparing yourself to other people and their standards.

Here's a basic example. You're writing a paper for school about, let's say, World War Two. You reread a paragraph and realize it's very messy. The self-evaluation angel says, "Well, that doesn't sound right. That sentence is weak, and I cannot pinpoint where the subject is..." Meanwhile the comparison imp says "What the hell is that c**p? That sounds so stupid. It's nowhere as good as my beginning statement."

One sounds productive, the other just ticks me off. Maybe because in a past life I was a perfectionist.

Okay, let's try another example, same paper. A few weeks later, after rereading and handing it in, you get the paper back. You're sure you did great, but the C- seems to disagree. The self-evaluation icon pops up, "Hm. Didn't see that coming.  But after reading the notes, I do have admit that the paragraphs don't really connect. Next time I write a paper, I should run it past a friend." On the other hand, the comparison bug cries out, "STFU... this teacher freaking hates me. All she ever gives me are C's or D's." Or "This is gawd awful. I can't write worth a damn. If only I could write like Anya..."

The main difference between self-evaluation and comparison is the ability to separate facts from assumptions. Let's face it, no one is perfect and cookie-cutter shaped. I see self-evaluation as a tool to develop yourself, and comparison as a way to classify. And it's here where I tend to make my mistake. It's too easy to compare yourself and say you're too lazy or stupid. It's a futile exercise in understanding what you can actually do. Self-evaluation takes effort and energy. Like any other human thing, it can run afoul, but it can specifically look at something without immediately resorting to outside opinion. Self-evaluation is your way on checking on yourself, based on your own internal and personal checklist.

I enjoy using self-evaluation because it helps me think progressively, not stagnate nor mislead as comparisons do. If I have a problem, then I want to solve it. Not dwell on my uncertainty. For all of last year, I was comparing myself to others, and found it frustrating as all hell. Comparisons didn't make me feel any better. Even when I was feeling good, comparisons meant little to me, for I enjoy executing activities more than I like thinking about them.

Recently I've been comparing myself now to what I was like last year. And honestly, I'm already worried. I'm afraid I'll spend too much time doing nothing or bumming around. Which I hate. But what good is all this worrying if I don't take the steps to change it?

What needs to happen is to take action on my feelings. It can start as a written plan, or a motto that I can replay in my mind when I feel stuck. Either way, it's about committing to rise to the challenge and succeed in what you can do. Not what I wish I could do with +99 stamina, memory, and magic.

How I handle the year is similar: I can't compare how it is to last year. I have to raise up to the challenge of making the most of the year. If I compare all the time, I'm not going to be happy. But if I take the time to talk to my friends, make totally awesome date plans, and find that summer job; then I'll be more satisfied than when I sit around thinking about how I would like to be living the life of someone else.

Most importantly, if I keep comparing myself to my cousins and their musical presence online, then I'll never put up my own videos. After all, you can't be a performer unless you ACTUALLY perform. So no more of that comparison B.S. My challenge this year is to have groundwork of an album completed and ready to go for 2012. End of the world my ass. This is only the beginning.