The March Lion

Bring in the lion, bring in the lamb... and welcome to my new twist to that wonderful saying of March coming in as a lion and coming out as a lamb, or coming in as a lamb and coming out as a lion. It seems as though the weather has been acting like a lion, then eventually calming down into a docile lamb's breath. However, I personally feel like the opposite. Coming into March I was feeling restless, solid in my content of being... whatever. But those feelings were moving, changing.


Like the trees outside, the brown-gray of my personality was becoming flushed with the blood that is running within me. A hue, almost indistinguishable, has been flooding my mind, my eyes, my mouth, my ears, and my touch. What once seemed like a sketch is now threatening to be painted into a more fuller work.


What do I mean by sketch? What does this have to do with my March Lion? I think it has everything to do with my March Lion. Before now, I was content to just sketch out a picture, a life to enjoy. I was a Lamb of discretion and structure. Just a few days before the Ides of March, I have realized that I cannot be that Lamb anymore. There's not much space for sketching anymore. What I need to do, is to color in that sketch of a life with the ferocity, power, and strength of the Lion.


I feel as though I have finally broken through the ground, to take advantage of the world around me. With the internet, friends, ect. It is not say that I have not tried it before, not at all... This is to say that I've finally managed to perfect the way that I have approached others. When you don't open up on a regular basis, it becomes easy to not do anything at all. It's like fighting with a muscle clam to make it open up while it's still alive. If you let go one millimeter, it's going to clam up even harder than before. My issue was just being in practice. When I talk, I try to be thoughtful in what I say. I don't talk for the noise, I talk to communicate. And learning communication is always going to be a challenge for everyone. It would be nice if people could read each other's minds (though disasterly at the same time) and just do things perfectly the first time someone explains it to them. But that's not going to happen. So we must learn to communicate our thoughts, our needs properly... and be able to explain what is on our minds.


These past years, I have been practicing the science of communication. How to talk, how to not look stupid, how to be effective in talking. However... I have realized that I've learned those lessons, and now have moved on to the art of communication.


As a singer and an actor, one might think that we would know how to communicate well. How else could we good at what we are doing?


I don't see it as our ability to communicate the song or the character... those are things that we have studied. That we broke down into pieces, memorized, chanted, ect. We are artists in the works that we interpreted. But being an artist doesn't mean that the person can speak well for themselves. I have art in communication on stage, but that doesn't mean I'm always going to find the right words to say when expressing my desires to my friends and family. I know what to do, how to breathe, to make it effective. But the words are the most difficult.


Yet I have been writing on a regular basis in poems and blogs. I have been reading forums and books. I have been reading plays and practicing lines. The more I surround myself with words, the easier it is for me to express what it is I am feeling and thinking.


There are still parts of me that I don't know how to express because they do arouse emotions that I find difficult to encompass in mere words. In writing I may have more control, but speaking... well, it takes time and it takes practice. And I now think it just takes time... like 22 years. With who knows how many more years, I feel more ready to express those thoughts and feelings that before I was fighting so hard to mouth around. These words rest at the tip of my tongue, back of my throat, in my cheeks, to be formed on the wind.


And when I gather up my breath, it's like gathering the wind through a narrow chamber, filling the cavity of my chest, of a cave; so that when I vocalize my words... I do not speak: I roar.


And so the Lamb turns into a Lion.

Trust The Open Window

Time has been closing in on me, and I keep aloof, in denial of my conclusion. I know that I’m craving a type of self-destruction that can come only so often. I’m beginning to realize though, that this is the beginning of something else. I know I keep acting like my world is at an end. But in a way, it is. This is partially because I am about to graduate, but it is also that I have moved on from last year. So I cannot help but look towards the future. Each transcending song that I come across reminds me that I can climb even higher than I ever thought that I could climb.

What seems to be wrong is that I procrastinate. So I will admit it. I am procrastinating. I am afraid of failure, success, and the completion of my thesis. I know when I finish it, I will, basically, be done with 95% of my college career. It’s frightening. What other shows can I do? What is next for me?

Usually when faced with the invetitable changes that life throws at me, I take a moment to take it in, and then I move. Yes, I also hestitate, but I know what it means. I know what is coming towards me. I don’t want do my thesis because I feel it is the epitemy of my time here. I am afraid. My best work came in acting classes. Things didn’t work out, and didn’t get to act as much as I wanted to. However, what I did manage to do, was to increase my knowledge in various parts of the theater. I opened my eyes, and I realize that there are more techniques and styles of acting that I can handle. I went outside of high school and proved, showed that I can be a great, and powerful actress. I kept acting, even when I didn’t feel like it. When I felt as though I should give up, I shook it off and kept doing what I was doing. When I gave up on Pygmaillion, it came to me. Not me climbing desprately to it. I showed my strength that I don’t always see. When I ended a relationship and saw it burn to ashes, I still acted.

Now that I am faced with a terminal ending, I falter. When it came to Fame, I did let go, but I gave the excuse that I was caught up with college stuff. But then I look at violin. I gave that up when my teacher stopped teaching. What a mistake. I wish that I kept playing. It gave me another meaning, another label that I still have clung closely to. I cannot, I must not let that happen again. I love acting, I love singing, and I still love violin. I will not let go of these loves again. It’s a piece of me that seems to die. They give me more meaning than the internet has ever done. They were my excuse to go out, perform, and live more. I owe it to myself to take advantage of them again, and love wholly, and love musically. Love artistically.

Modern Women Warfare is quite different than Fame, but it still has those traits of my character. Strong, empowered, and real. I don’t know if I could say that the male characters I played were real, but I did feel a special connection to the Minstrel from Once Upon A Mattress. I loved the ambiguity. He defined himself by his work, and that’s how I defined myself.

‘Nyways. Here’s my shpeel. I’ve been bad. Reflexively, my mind craves justice. So I inflict it on myself. It’s a habit. I feel as though if no one does it, then I have to. I have to take responsibility for myself.

But here’s where it gets tricky. I’m done with feeling guilty. Not anymore. I’m done with that. Where does that leave me? Well I’m asking myself that right now.

Where does that leave you Sarah?

That leaves me at the point to forgive myself and then the last step would be to move on. It’s simple really. I just have a hard time forgiving myself. I push myself, to feel retribution. 

However, I do think I’ve been getting better. I’ve been writing a bit more than I was last semester. And that has helped me. I’ve been more talkative, and that helps. After months of just cruising, my mind is finally set in it’s tracks and I find myself entering deep thoughts without withering.

One of my best ideas so far? Valentine’s Day. Making it about me! I can take care of those cards for my friends, make the decided effort to clean up for my thesis, and make me feel special.

I feel as though I owe it to myself to make the life that I want to live. I owe it to myself to do what it is I want to do, not just float along life not thinking. Living takes energy. And it can be scary as hell. I know exactly what I want. I’m just afraid to say it because I think the moment that I say what it is, that I will not ever get it. I tend to think that once you create a possibility, it’s never going to happen.

But that may be for the best. Because if you dream, you can find something even better. I’m afraid to know what can be better. I just want what I want. Heh, I realize that’s rather immature of me. But I know that to be true, if you close your mind to possibilities you can be satisfied with whatever comes to you. However, if you let yourself dream, if you put in the effort and take the energy to live out your life, then you’re going to get it. And even more.

I keep looking towards the future. And it’s ridiculously scary. I know, stay focused on the now. But I tend to flash towards the future. Figure it out, if you know what I mean.

I need to go. But before before I do so. There’s just one thing.

I forgive myself for being destructive. I know it’s been a hard time, and I tend to handle problems either by creating or by destroying. It’s in my nature. I understand myself now. And I forgive myself for everything I have done. I relieve myself of all the guilt that I've pent up. There is no more need to curse, nor threaten myself.

This is the time that I should be celebrating my work. I know that it’s been painful at times, but when it was good, it was great. When you learn to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, you loosen up a lot of that frustration and become less stressed. Life becomes easier because you learn to let go. Let go of your guilt like you have let go of your friends from elementary school, like you have let go of your old relationships. Keep the lessons and the good memories. But everything else can go. I deserve the happiness, success, and talent that surrounds me. We all deserve that goodness. Let them in, and purge yourself from those things that eat inside of you.

Balance the world within you, then you can begin to balance with the world around you.