Shedding Skin, Dandruff By Dandruff

I feel like I'm nit-picking at a whole stretch of skin. Except of dealing with dry skin, I am dealing with a personality that just doesn't work.

How do I properly vocalize that I am not even living my own life? For the longest time, I was thinking I was just plain depressed and didn't know what to do. Yet now I am thinking, no, I know what I want to do. But there is something that I keep falling back into. Maybe it is a habit, or a well-trained person. Just the good little girl that was expected of me.

Good god, if I was supposed to be someone's tool, then I'd rather be dead than to have someone else take over my mind.

F--k culture trying to brainwash kids into being the images that their parents want them to be. Gender-typifying, stereotyping standards, ect. It is enough to make me want to go screaming around in the stores cursing their intrusive advertising attacks. I can't even shop any more.

To be with my boyfriend or certain groups of friends, I feel awake, more myself than I ever have been. But the moment I go into "normal" situations, I feel the pressure of being plain boxy normal.

There is a reason that part of my depression has included anger. I HATE being pressured into being something that I am not.

There is so much ignorance, uneducated, and underdeveloped people who run on insufficient information. And to be dealing with the lack of their curiosity kills me. How do you not want to understand even just a few things about your life? Why live the life that someone else has prescribed for you? Does it even work for you? What makes you think that your diet is sufficient and will make you a healthy and efficient human being?

And to acknowledge my own laziness is beyond frustrating. I live in two realities with two personalities, and right now it is bothering the cr-p out of me. I feel as though my therapist talks down to me, saying I am "a good, sweet, innocent young lady".

A. Suggesting I am good, means that you will react negatively if I were to voice my anger and things that I would otherwise not tell my parents.

B. Fuck being sweet. I don't want to be sweet. I want to be taken seriously you old geezer.

C. Innocent? Naive? Maybe a bit because I haven't been in certain circumstances, but it does not make me an idiot. And I am certainly more aware then some dumb-asses out there in the world.

D. Are you suggesting that I know absolutely nothing?

E. Fuck you, that sounds insulting. Why can't I just be a woman? Do you see yourself as someone above me?

This pisses me off, and the fact that I act differently in two different arenas. I fucking hate that I can't speak out loud the way I want to. Why can't I just get down to the nitty-gritty? I do NOT want to fucking talk about the damn circles that I have talked about before. I am done with that part of my life. You are making me relive something I have already forgiven and forgotten and have moved on in my life.

I am pissed off more at the fact that I have to listen to your assumptions. We haven't even gotten to the good part yet, why are you jumping down my throat?

I want my own god-damned life, and at 23, I'd say it's long overdue for a teenage rebellion. Fuck being the good little girl. I've grown up and changed. It's about time that my surroundings have done the same.

Because It's All You Need

Yes, love is all you need.

Even when every other person throws it back in your face.

I try to be the person that I want to be: energetic, thoughtful, and positive. One of the benefits of my job is that I get to connect with the customers, and to give them the best possible experience. More than once have I been commented on my smile, which took them off guard. But they then said "God bless you girl" and "Keep smiling". I just keep smiling on the outside, no matter how I feel inside.

In the meantime, I find that romance is surprisingly addicting. For the most part, I'm over my crushes, and I'm pretty firm on the line that I am just happy single. Though it feels like I will be like that for some time.

The amount of romance, in literature, movies, music, ect. is massive. Probably because once it's in the brain, we get addicted to it. Seriously now, as in hormones that are sparked and oxy-something that makes females all giddy inside.

And what an addiction it is.

Even looking forward to a potential date is a trigger for me. I do not have a happy medium when it comes to these types of relationships. And, as ever, it takes a long time to find someone who is interested and wants to persue a relationship with you. I am on the brink of a totally new era for me, so that pool is just a puddle.

As I try to figure things out for myself, I can't help but notice how often I go back to that addiction. But I have no one to be addicted to. There is no person who I crave, that I need, that I want. And it bothers me in some way because I know that at 23, I have 7 years till I start dropping two eggs at a time, thus increasing any brood I make when I'm in my thirties. Of course, half the people I know in my life are either going to be A) married B) engaged C) have kids D) adopt a family and/or E) have grandkids. Then I will be old. If I don't have someone around my thirties, I'll be called a spinster.

But why is it like that? Should I be called a name because there wasn't a half-decent human being with good intentions that wanted to be in a relationship with me that I also wanted to be in a relationship with? That is not being picky, that's being healthy. No thanks, I do not want to be in an abusive relationship. I don't deserve that, just as many other women and men do not deserve that treatment.

Can we stop justifying this addiction, and learn to work around it? Somehow? I'd just like to continue to do my own thing without having to change it because society says so. Where is that person that I can learn to trust and love?

I just have a feeling that I do have a soul mate, but I do not know if they are in this time period right now. This is just a side quest for that path to wholeness. That is, if I don't find it myself on my journey through life.