There are some people in the world who enjoy a one-night stand.
There are some that like to wait until they are happily married.
Then there are people in the middle of all shapes, colors, and sizes. And that includes me.
At some point tonight, I stopped thinking about all my responsibilities to others, and instead thought of the responsibilities to me. The question of my self-happiness with sex came to a halt when it stared me back in my face. It was then I realized... I don't do the random "Wham-bam, thank you Mam!"
Far from it actually...
There is a reason that as an artist I follow my heart. Some part of my heart has some seriously good ideas (though the mind is willing to debate that), and my gut instinct is pretty much spot on. Without them, I'd be stuck in sticky situations and lost on what to do. I would not have escaped bad friendships, nor have gotten out of relationships when I needed to. There are also things that I do not question. For example, without music I would go crazy. I'm in contact with music as much as possible, and I know without it completely in my life, I would become disorientated. Also, I know that I will be at home working in the theater. It's that sweet, but earthy smell of sawdust mingling with paint aroma in a small space that brings me back to the sentimental sensation of belonging to the theater again.
But there is something I have realized from my gut instinct that I tried to deviate from tonight. I challenged my instinct that love and sex are best with a friend. And wow... I know a lot more than I really do know.
It is possible to feel even more alone when you're laying next to someone.
Strangers are strangers... and I only trust them so much. When everyone is a stranger, we don't even bother to figure out what they like, what they don't like. We don't learn their story, and most of all, we don't even gain their trust.
I am a friendly person, but I'm cautious about what I share. I've had my share of creepers, and a-holes, so I purposefully shut others out. But for the friends that I gain, that's trust that I have earned. If I seem to threaten that trust by myself, I will admit to it.
It is because of that trust that I become mindful of my partners. I want to trust them enough to be able to derive pleasure from even the simplest things. I want to be able to trust myself with them, and to have fun. Without that fun and gaiety, pure and simple feelings, sex and all motions are devoid of emotion. There isn't even hate and desperation. It's just lust... and a loneliness that feeds on the gap between minds.
That cardinal desire grows like a weed, popping around everywhere until you rip out the root system.
It's one hell of a thing to fight, but I'll find a way to channel that emotion into something much more productive. Till then I'll stick to the motto, "Look, but don't touch."
At least, until I find that next best friend who will spin my world around.
Then we'll see what will happen...
