Because It's All You Need

Yes, love is all you need.

Even when every other person throws it back in your face.

I try to be the person that I want to be: energetic, thoughtful, and positive. One of the benefits of my job is that I get to connect with the customers, and to give them the best possible experience. More than once have I been commented on my smile, which took them off guard. But they then said "God bless you girl" and "Keep smiling". I just keep smiling on the outside, no matter how I feel inside.

In the meantime, I find that romance is surprisingly addicting. For the most part, I'm over my crushes, and I'm pretty firm on the line that I am just happy single. Though it feels like I will be like that for some time.

The amount of romance, in literature, movies, music, ect. is massive. Probably because once it's in the brain, we get addicted to it. Seriously now, as in hormones that are sparked and oxy-something that makes females all giddy inside.

And what an addiction it is.

Even looking forward to a potential date is a trigger for me. I do not have a happy medium when it comes to these types of relationships. And, as ever, it takes a long time to find someone who is interested and wants to persue a relationship with you. I am on the brink of a totally new era for me, so that pool is just a puddle.

As I try to figure things out for myself, I can't help but notice how often I go back to that addiction. But I have no one to be addicted to. There is no person who I crave, that I need, that I want. And it bothers me in some way because I know that at 23, I have 7 years till I start dropping two eggs at a time, thus increasing any brood I make when I'm in my thirties. Of course, half the people I know in my life are either going to be A) married B) engaged C) have kids D) adopt a family and/or E) have grandkids. Then I will be old. If I don't have someone around my thirties, I'll be called a spinster.

But why is it like that? Should I be called a name because there wasn't a half-decent human being with good intentions that wanted to be in a relationship with me that I also wanted to be in a relationship with? That is not being picky, that's being healthy. No thanks, I do not want to be in an abusive relationship. I don't deserve that, just as many other women and men do not deserve that treatment.

Can we stop justifying this addiction, and learn to work around it? Somehow? I'd just like to continue to do my own thing without having to change it because society says so. Where is that person that I can learn to trust and love?

I just have a feeling that I do have a soul mate, but I do not know if they are in this time period right now. This is just a side quest for that path to wholeness. That is, if I don't find it myself on my journey through life.

When Love and Lust Finally Miss

There are some people in the world who enjoy a one-night stand.

There are some that like to wait until they are happily married.

Then there are people in the middle of all shapes, colors, and sizes. And that includes me.

At some point tonight, I stopped thinking about all my responsibilities to others, and instead thought of the responsibilities to me. The question of my self-happiness with sex came to a halt when it stared me back in my face. It was then I realized... I don't do the random "Wham-bam, thank you Mam!"

Far from it actually...

There is a reason that as an artist I follow my heart. Some part of my heart has some seriously good ideas (though the mind is willing to debate that), and my gut instinct is pretty much spot on. Without them, I'd be stuck in sticky situations and lost on what to do. I would not have escaped bad friendships, nor have gotten out of relationships when I needed to. There are also things that I do not question. For example, without music I would go crazy.  I'm in contact with music as much as possible, and I know without it completely in my life, I would become disorientated. Also, I know that I will be at home working in the theater. It's that sweet, but earthy smell of sawdust mingling with paint aroma in a small space that brings me back to the sentimental sensation of belonging to the theater again.

But there is something I have realized from my gut instinct that I tried to deviate from tonight. I challenged my instinct that love and sex are best with a friend. And wow... I know a lot more than I really do know.

It is possible to feel even more alone when you're laying next to someone.

Strangers are strangers... and I only trust them so much. When everyone is a stranger, we don't even bother to figure out what they like, what they don't like. We don't learn their story, and most of all, we don't even gain their trust.

I am a friendly person, but I'm cautious about what I share. I've had my share of creepers, and a-holes, so I purposefully shut others out. But for the friends that I gain, that's trust that I have earned. If I seem to threaten that trust by myself, I will admit to it.

It is because of that trust that I become mindful of my partners. I want to trust them enough to be able to derive pleasure from even the simplest things. I want to be able to trust myself with them, and to have fun. Without that fun and gaiety, pure and simple feelings, sex and all motions are devoid of emotion. There isn't even hate and desperation. It's just lust... and a loneliness that feeds on the gap between minds.

That cardinal desire grows like a weed, popping around everywhere until you rip out the root system.

It's one hell of a thing to fight, but I'll find a way to channel that emotion into something much more productive. Till then I'll stick to the motto, "Look, but don't touch."

At least, until I find that next best friend who will spin my world around.
Then we'll see what will happen...