Not exciting. But my new year didn't kick in till the following evening. I got an email from a prospective director for my latest work (i.e. thesis) and I was happier than I had been the entire year of 2010. At last, I was in a year that had some type of positive energy and luck. It was a great start... then I started to lose my energy. I've done more work for the spring than I did before, have visited old friends, and write more often. But sometimes it feels as though it isn't enough.
Still feels as though I have not done enough. That I don't have the stamina of a demi-goddess to tackle all of my projects. Or have the memory of an elephant so that I can actually remember to complete tasks that I started. And certainly, I don't have the magic to stop time so I can take care of more things during the day. Even though these images are unreachable, even my own mother can work laps around me...
And nothing discourages me more than a very occupied, busy, and rather organized mother.
Next thing I know, I bundle my clothes to the side, and curl up on a couch to read the latest in self-motivation.
Uh... hello? Something is wrong with this picture, besides that infinitely messy room. Kinda how I used a brillo pad to dust my room with. It's so obvious, that it's hilarious... in retrospect. If you don't do something... then it doesn't get done. Right? So sitting around, trying to read what I'm doing wrong isn't going to help anything. It's unproductive. I like that I'm able to learn a lot from reading, but taking action means so much more. It's the commitment and focus on an activity that makes it successful.
However, for the past year I've not been able to focus because I'm always worrying about every other thing that I have to do. Then I start to worry that I won't be as good as the other people around me, and reflect on what I do wrong, and how to change it. Don't get me wrong, self-evaluation is important, and can be helpful. However, I'm warning about the habit of comparing yourself to other people and their standards.
Here's a basic example. You're writing a paper for school about, let's say, World War Two. You reread a paragraph and realize it's very messy. The self-evaluation angel says, "Well, that doesn't sound right. That sentence is weak, and I cannot pinpoint where the subject is..." Meanwhile the comparison imp says "What the hell is that c**p? That sounds so stupid. It's nowhere as good as my beginning statement."
One sounds productive, the other just ticks me off. Maybe because in a past life I was a perfectionist.
Okay, let's try another example, same paper. A few weeks later, after rereading and handing it in, you get the paper back. You're sure you did great, but the C- seems to disagree. The self-evaluation icon pops up, "Hm. Didn't see that coming. But after reading the notes, I do have admit that the paragraphs don't really connect. Next time I write a paper, I should run it past a friend." On the other hand, the comparison bug cries out, "STFU... this teacher freaking hates me. All she ever gives me are C's or D's." Or "This is gawd awful. I can't write worth a damn. If only I could write like Anya..."
The main difference between self-evaluation and comparison is the ability to separate facts from assumptions. Let's face it, no one is perfect and cookie-cutter shaped. I see self-evaluation as a tool to develop yourself, and comparison as a way to classify. And it's here where I tend to make my mistake. It's too easy to compare yourself and say you're too lazy or stupid. It's a futile exercise in understanding what you can actually do. Self-evaluation takes effort and energy. Like any other human thing, it can run afoul, but it can specifically look at something without immediately resorting to outside opinion. Self-evaluation is your way on checking on yourself, based on your own internal and personal checklist.
I enjoy using self-evaluation because it helps me think progressively, not stagnate nor mislead as comparisons do. If I have a problem, then I want to solve it. Not dwell on my uncertainty. For all of last year, I was comparing myself to others, and found it frustrating as all hell. Comparisons didn't make me feel any better. Even when I was feeling good, comparisons meant little to me, for I enjoy executing activities more than I like thinking about them.
Recently I've been comparing myself now to what I was like last year. And honestly, I'm already worried. I'm afraid I'll spend too much time doing nothing or bumming around. Which I hate. But what good is all this worrying if I don't take the steps to change it?
What needs to happen is to take action on my feelings. It can start as a written plan, or a motto that I can replay in my mind when I feel stuck. Either way, it's about committing to rise to the challenge and succeed in what you can do. Not what I wish I could do with +99 stamina, memory, and magic.
How I handle the year is similar: I can't compare how it is to last year. I have to raise up to the challenge of making the most of the year. If I compare all the time, I'm not going to be happy. But if I take the time to talk to my friends, make totally awesome date plans, and find that summer job; then I'll be more satisfied than when I sit around thinking about how I would like to be living the life of someone else.
Most importantly, if I keep comparing myself to my cousins and their musical presence online, then I'll never put up my own videos. After all, you can't be a performer unless you ACTUALLY perform. So no more of that comparison B.S. My challenge this year is to have groundwork of an album completed and ready to go for 2012. End of the world my ass. This is only the beginning.
