2012

Simply put, I am not buying the whole end of the world thing.

Come on folks, as an American I'm all about the fresh opportunity of golden roads and ect.

But claiming that we know everything about the universe is pretencious.

But what I do know about, is the world that I inhabit. From there, peace can be gathered and shared.

Maybe I'm tired of keeping it simple. Or maybe I'm missing performance. Either way, I'm more ready to pull out the sword to fight. No, not fight for the right to party. That's too obvious an answer. Rather it's about the getting things done.

Really, I'm so focused on this. I can't even wait to complete these thoughts and plans here.

Talk to you all later, and remember, make today your new day.

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Licence To Be Awesome

Have you ever wondered how to be awesome?

Have you ever looked at someone you admired and wish you knew how they did it?

Have you ever complained how you can't do something because it just seems too hard?

Then wonder, look, and complain no more, for I'm about to tell you the secret to untap your inner amazing self.

There is no course to take. No certificate to confirm your status (I just said licence to catch your attention). You don't need to jump through flame-torched rings over pirana-infested waters. Nor do you have to bust out of a giant bubble, surrounded by fireworks on a stage towards an audience of A-list celebrities.

We are ignoring the glitz and spectacles to reach to the depths of your abilities, because awesomeness cannot always be bought. People tend to also recognize respect and some layers of character.

If you want to be awesome just to get attention, then don't bother reading any farther. Have fun making drama and keep your ignorance to yourself.

But... If you want to know how to tap that inner ability to enforce and empower your life, then listen closely.

Learn to reflect upon yourself.

Awesomeness is earned through realizing your own abilities and learning how to engage them with enthusiasm and dedication.

So take a quiet moment or steal a brief minute to really think about what you have done. Successful people do not think about everything that they cannot do: successful people think about all the good things that they can do and acknowledge what they can't do. By using what works in a focused way allows one to be effective in their work. Limit that scope of thoughts gives you a boost to look at the list of Can't-Do's in a constructive manner, so you can learn how they can improve.

Really, the person that you most want to impress with your abilities is yourself. I have found that usually my best support is myself. Yes, sometimes I have doubts, but I have found that my parents and friends remind me of my successes and ablilities. Sometimes I am stubborn and don't believe what they say. But when I am on my side, I have always found that I always do my best. Even if the project is a failure, I can still walk away with the satisfaction knowing that I did what I could and learned from my mistakes.

This mentality is also helpful when you are applying for jobs and schools. All those questions they ask are opportunities for you to talk about how you have handled your losses and gains. There are different things that happen in life, and how you handle them helps the HR learn what type of person you are. And if you believe in yourself and know your strengths, then you may be able to sell yourself better than if you feel doubtful. Over this summer I had observed my own lack of faith in my ability to find a job (though the market isn't particularly helpful). Despite the outside factors, I always felt so negative about the applictions. Each one made me feel worse and worse till I just simply gave up in frustration. My sense of reason became overwhelmed by my lack of faith coupled with failures that I was not able to continue. Whatever happened to that sense of individual support and pride that I had always offered to myself in rough times?

It took me awhile to remember how to relearn this lesson. There were several other failures in my personal and work life that have crippled me. It has taken me months to get my heart back, and even longer to get my head screwed back on straight. I don't worry about how those failures are seen by others; they do not know what those have meant to me, and probably never will.

But I am not here on Earth to tell people how terrible 2010 was for me. I am here to share my experiences and successes with people who are encouraged to learn from. May it be a tune from a song, a line from a play, an image from a poem, or a thought from my writing: these are done to inspire them to take a pause in their life to think of something or someone. This is my ability and I hope to be able to continue to do so. Even if there is no one really listening or reading, I continue to do so, for every hundred or thousands of people who come across me, only a few people will really be struck by what they discover. And I do all of this for that few. To know that I have that ability makes me feel so inspired, and always, I hope that I never give up this dream that I can have that effect. In short, I feel awesome.

I was a good actress in high school, but that didn't make me awesome. The applause and laughs did.

I am a great singer, but that doesn't qualify me either. But the tears and twisted guts do.

The clothes and boots I wear do not make me feel like this, the attitude that I take on with the outfit makes me believe in myself.

Find those strengths and take ownership of them. Not a lot of people will always tell you how awesome you are; family and friends only strech so far across time and space. Love and cherish them, but don't forget that you will also need yourself to help you become great.

Look on the inside, and I can guarantee you that you will be surprised at what you find.

Yes, You Need That Supplement

Ever think that you’re fine the way you are, that what you have is good enough; anything more would be unnecessary?  During this summer I have figured, oh, things will work out, there is not much I can do anyway. Even when looking for a new laptop I was limited by what I simply wanted. In my mind I saw a new laptop with my music, Internet, and a word processor. There was not much that I wanted other than a replacement for the Mac that met it’s tragic and premature fate. With the help of my family I came to choose a laptop that I fancied, merely because it was cheap. Oh, and that it came with the option to save itself from me. (Who knew that computers could be insured with drop protection?)
And now here I am, sitting in my corner of the house, typing my blog in a program that came with the computer. Finally, I can have easier access to my work and prepare more posts!
I didn’t need this program, but it has made me better. It’s the writing supplement that I never knew I needed. It is the fish oil to make my writer’s heart stronger.
Even my mind would do well with a supplement of happiness encapsulated in the form of an M&M. The point of these items is not to make you “not natural” or such, rather, it helps you improve yourself and your habits. In a world where perfection is the image of someone else’s dream, we should strive to be our best selves as much as possible.
So be the one to choose what supplements to craft yourself to be that You 2.0. May it be a program that makes life easier, or medicine that helps you achieve better health… continue to make your life enjoyable and better.

The Three in One Makes Four

A thoughtful approach to whole health.

Three parts
to make one whole.
But to keep it from falling apart
you have to recognize it as four.
Emotion, thought, and body
form the spirit.
If you fail to tend to one part
the ground becomes a shaky base,
upsetting other elements
and sending reverberations into the whole.
Tend to the three to complete the one,
and to please the one means to calm the three.
There is four of you,
and four of me.
Let me tend to my four during the day,
piece by piece,
and then could I say that I'm okay.
For if each are satisfied,
then my day is utmostly successful.
But if a part is unearthed,
then the challenge is to balance,
and I must strive to do my best.

The Illusion of Comfort

What is life without death?
What is love without hate?
What is destruction without creation?

And most of all, what is comfort without fear?

Think of the old adage of "No pain, no gain." Everything seems to cycle together over and over again. They are seasons of a year that can only be described as an archaic pendulum. Back and forth. Back and forth. And for polar opposites that don't fit that, there is always the image of a coin with a head and tail. Somethings are one in the same; for example, love and hate.

What love and hate have in common is passion. From there, the passion grows... morphs to the external and internal forces.

Comfort and fear, have a common ground that isn't quite as obvious as love and hate. It isn't a coin connection, but they don't act as seasons either.

Before I go any farther, I want to clarify how I am using the words. I'm using the word comfort in terms of living in comfort by removing one's self out of the path of harm's way. And I'm using fear in terms of living with anticipation, usually anxiety.

Two words that we have been defining factors on how we view life. Do we let ourselves learn how to "comfort" or strive for a "comfortable" home away from fear? Or do we live with "fear"? Why do we watch movies and t.v. shows that horrify us in our own homes?

Unlike love and hate, comfort and fear are co-dependent. They are different, but each defines the other, much like the correlation of sweetness to sourness.

During the past years, I've been familiar with comfort. But at the same time, I despise it. In a world where we all die, and have threats crossing boarders, this bubble feels fake. Too much comfort, I would become ignorant of others (which I struggle to avoid). Too much fear, I would break. Yet at this point, I fear comfort and feel comfortable in fear. How I managed to blend the two together, I cannot say. Before, I knew that I was lost in what used to be familiar, and I still am. Yet, in a twist I did not see coming, I now have an odd sense to fear. Should I be afraid of this sudden ease towards what usually causes anxiety, or have I finally reached a state of relaxation in my mind so that I can still be comforted?

Personally, I think it's healthy to fear things. But when that fear disappears, what is left to hold you back? Especially when you don't find comfort comforting? Where does that put you?

And because of that, my mind opens up even wider, and threatens to make a deliberate change.

The Actor's Sacrifice

The beginning of May comes in, you would think that I have came back from this soul-searching that came from the mass amounts of feces in a paper bag that Life left at my door. However, that does not mean that I should completely ignore what just happened. And what just happened was a giant black spot in my artistic career. Let's just call that type of phase as the Eclipse. Sounds pretty enough... No. Prettiness is not the point. We are talking about a time of emptiness, so Space sounds more appropriate.



So I have successfully managed to last a year after my first serious relationship. As anyone knows who experienced initial heartbreak, it sucks, but eventually you get over it. The heart becomes stronger, or something along those lines. Why does it seem as though I cling to that break up, unlike other people who figured out how to move on from that first love? Because unlike those other people, I was unfamiliar with the flood of emotions that exhausted my body; as time moved on through the year I found more and more ways to try to escape that pain. For awhile it didn't feel fair. I love music, but I couldn't listen to some of my favorite songs because of that sadness that came that way. For awhile the only video game that I felt comfortable playing was Left4Dead because others may ignite me into a fury that could only be calmed by first-shooters. And I hate zombies, just as a side-note. When I got stressed, I went on long walks or runs because I knew they kept me outside of the house and way from any tempting vices. When I went back to school, not only did I have that remaining layer of "grieving-ex" process, I also had pressures for my thesis, my new position, and politics. Never mind it was the beginning of my senior year. To deal with school politics that are more complex than a neuron smashing machine, more irritating than a mosquito bite, more confusing than that multi-colored hydra-camel-bonsai hipster that I met in my last trip, and is just as invisible as the aforementioned analogies (not the neuron-smashing machine, though the neurons are invisible to the human eye). Needless to say, I'm not a politician. As long as it makes me emotionally tired, it's going to be the last job I will take.

So to top my utter hate for politics, I had to give up my rather non-political and more reconstructive government position. (I swear, it makes sense.) Due to lack of communication, I lost a roommate in the confusion, and my sense of communication shut down, just like my thesis. -Note previous entries for communication.

And then... soul-searching. As in, a personal realization that shook my world. And something that I only have the guts to only slightly allude to publicly online. But even by acknowledging that discovery, I make more advances in the journey of my mind.

Where does this exposition come from? And why even bother to mention a secret that I keep closer to me than the quilt that my mother and I made?

Why would I care about emotion?

Have I ever mentioned the duties of the actor...? Or the musician? Maybe I have mentioned it in passing once or twice.

Actors are meant to convey human life, and portray the logic and the emotions of the characters in a world born again and again, day after day.

Emotion helps connect the audience to the player. We are reliant on each other, for it is the job of the actor to take the audience somewhere a bit different, to see this "world" in a certain light. And emotions are part of the job.

There are some acting forms that allow the actor to separate the actor from the character. Bertold Brecht was keen on reminding the audience that they are in the theater, and that has remained a form within itself. But when we approach closer to the methods, such as Method Acting, there is a part of the actor that crafts, at least a few portions of their D.N.A. into the character. Otherwise, how could we make the person come to life?

In the cases of that joint actor-character relationship, there needs to be an emotional honesty between the  two. In my own work, I have fostered bonds with my characters, and bridges between them. Each role forces me to acknowledge my reality before diving into the work. It's like checking the safety hook before bungee jumping off a bridge: if I don't double check my surroundings then I am going to have a hard time back to level. Acting is dangerous. One could say that it makes people become dissociated from reality. That, if done incorrectly in certain styles, it would have more losses than profits. (Method acting gets its notoriously because of the deep levels that the actor goes to physically and mentally.) Talent and a lot of practice keep those actors safe. But emotional health is also vastly important for this field. The state of our minds can have some influence in our work, and I think it is more obvious when you are still in the beginning of your training.

To go into your field of study, and to completely ignore the emotions within you can be dangerous, generally speaking. At some point, business becomes personal, and you will reflect that in what you do. And when I was overwhelmed in my own life, I found that the rare instances of performance I left me nearly drowning. Musical moments were relieving, but acting left me even more confused. Actually, acting left me even more frustrated because all that emotion I was storing in the bottle of my mind threatened to burst me up. It is possible to utilize your own emotions to fuel your performance, but I have one issue. I don't like being angry. It's an easy emotion to use,  but hard to tame. By nature it is violent, sporadic, and blind. With my consistent, if not weekly- no daily, frustrations, then that fuel would blow up the space.

In order to act, I have to acknowledge my emotions and attitude. I would have to be delusional to think I could successfully proceed without knowing that I, myself, am feeling crappy, or under the weather. To act means to be honest to oneself, so to give the best performance to the audience.

Actors have to learn to sacrifice their emotions, their vulnerability to their art, for that character and the audience. Without their devotion, there is no life. This statement- this post, is my way of sacrificing myself. If I am going to be honest to myself, then I might as well do the same to my audience. We have a relationship, and I am committed to develop with you. You are going to notice how I act, the different colors of emotion, but if I am having a difficulty communicating my work then I need to change. So this is my confession, and I hope the next time I perform on stage, or wherever, you can observe the character and the actor. It is my job, and I hope to do it for as long as possible.

The March Lion

Bring in the lion, bring in the lamb... and welcome to my new twist to that wonderful saying of March coming in as a lion and coming out as a lamb, or coming in as a lamb and coming out as a lion. It seems as though the weather has been acting like a lion, then eventually calming down into a docile lamb's breath. However, I personally feel like the opposite. Coming into March I was feeling restless, solid in my content of being... whatever. But those feelings were moving, changing.


Like the trees outside, the brown-gray of my personality was becoming flushed with the blood that is running within me. A hue, almost indistinguishable, has been flooding my mind, my eyes, my mouth, my ears, and my touch. What once seemed like a sketch is now threatening to be painted into a more fuller work.


What do I mean by sketch? What does this have to do with my March Lion? I think it has everything to do with my March Lion. Before now, I was content to just sketch out a picture, a life to enjoy. I was a Lamb of discretion and structure. Just a few days before the Ides of March, I have realized that I cannot be that Lamb anymore. There's not much space for sketching anymore. What I need to do, is to color in that sketch of a life with the ferocity, power, and strength of the Lion.


I feel as though I have finally broken through the ground, to take advantage of the world around me. With the internet, friends, ect. It is not say that I have not tried it before, not at all... This is to say that I've finally managed to perfect the way that I have approached others. When you don't open up on a regular basis, it becomes easy to not do anything at all. It's like fighting with a muscle clam to make it open up while it's still alive. If you let go one millimeter, it's going to clam up even harder than before. My issue was just being in practice. When I talk, I try to be thoughtful in what I say. I don't talk for the noise, I talk to communicate. And learning communication is always going to be a challenge for everyone. It would be nice if people could read each other's minds (though disasterly at the same time) and just do things perfectly the first time someone explains it to them. But that's not going to happen. So we must learn to communicate our thoughts, our needs properly... and be able to explain what is on our minds.


These past years, I have been practicing the science of communication. How to talk, how to not look stupid, how to be effective in talking. However... I have realized that I've learned those lessons, and now have moved on to the art of communication.


As a singer and an actor, one might think that we would know how to communicate well. How else could we good at what we are doing?


I don't see it as our ability to communicate the song or the character... those are things that we have studied. That we broke down into pieces, memorized, chanted, ect. We are artists in the works that we interpreted. But being an artist doesn't mean that the person can speak well for themselves. I have art in communication on stage, but that doesn't mean I'm always going to find the right words to say when expressing my desires to my friends and family. I know what to do, how to breathe, to make it effective. But the words are the most difficult.


Yet I have been writing on a regular basis in poems and blogs. I have been reading forums and books. I have been reading plays and practicing lines. The more I surround myself with words, the easier it is for me to express what it is I am feeling and thinking.


There are still parts of me that I don't know how to express because they do arouse emotions that I find difficult to encompass in mere words. In writing I may have more control, but speaking... well, it takes time and it takes practice. And I now think it just takes time... like 22 years. With who knows how many more years, I feel more ready to express those thoughts and feelings that before I was fighting so hard to mouth around. These words rest at the tip of my tongue, back of my throat, in my cheeks, to be formed on the wind.


And when I gather up my breath, it's like gathering the wind through a narrow chamber, filling the cavity of my chest, of a cave; so that when I vocalize my words... I do not speak: I roar.


And so the Lamb turns into a Lion.

Trust The Open Window

Time has been closing in on me, and I keep aloof, in denial of my conclusion. I know that I’m craving a type of self-destruction that can come only so often. I’m beginning to realize though, that this is the beginning of something else. I know I keep acting like my world is at an end. But in a way, it is. This is partially because I am about to graduate, but it is also that I have moved on from last year. So I cannot help but look towards the future. Each transcending song that I come across reminds me that I can climb even higher than I ever thought that I could climb.

What seems to be wrong is that I procrastinate. So I will admit it. I am procrastinating. I am afraid of failure, success, and the completion of my thesis. I know when I finish it, I will, basically, be done with 95% of my college career. It’s frightening. What other shows can I do? What is next for me?

Usually when faced with the invetitable changes that life throws at me, I take a moment to take it in, and then I move. Yes, I also hestitate, but I know what it means. I know what is coming towards me. I don’t want do my thesis because I feel it is the epitemy of my time here. I am afraid. My best work came in acting classes. Things didn’t work out, and didn’t get to act as much as I wanted to. However, what I did manage to do, was to increase my knowledge in various parts of the theater. I opened my eyes, and I realize that there are more techniques and styles of acting that I can handle. I went outside of high school and proved, showed that I can be a great, and powerful actress. I kept acting, even when I didn’t feel like it. When I felt as though I should give up, I shook it off and kept doing what I was doing. When I gave up on Pygmaillion, it came to me. Not me climbing desprately to it. I showed my strength that I don’t always see. When I ended a relationship and saw it burn to ashes, I still acted.

Now that I am faced with a terminal ending, I falter. When it came to Fame, I did let go, but I gave the excuse that I was caught up with college stuff. But then I look at violin. I gave that up when my teacher stopped teaching. What a mistake. I wish that I kept playing. It gave me another meaning, another label that I still have clung closely to. I cannot, I must not let that happen again. I love acting, I love singing, and I still love violin. I will not let go of these loves again. It’s a piece of me that seems to die. They give me more meaning than the internet has ever done. They were my excuse to go out, perform, and live more. I owe it to myself to take advantage of them again, and love wholly, and love musically. Love artistically.

Modern Women Warfare is quite different than Fame, but it still has those traits of my character. Strong, empowered, and real. I don’t know if I could say that the male characters I played were real, but I did feel a special connection to the Minstrel from Once Upon A Mattress. I loved the ambiguity. He defined himself by his work, and that’s how I defined myself.

‘Nyways. Here’s my shpeel. I’ve been bad. Reflexively, my mind craves justice. So I inflict it on myself. It’s a habit. I feel as though if no one does it, then I have to. I have to take responsibility for myself.

But here’s where it gets tricky. I’m done with feeling guilty. Not anymore. I’m done with that. Where does that leave me? Well I’m asking myself that right now.

Where does that leave you Sarah?

That leaves me at the point to forgive myself and then the last step would be to move on. It’s simple really. I just have a hard time forgiving myself. I push myself, to feel retribution. 

However, I do think I’ve been getting better. I’ve been writing a bit more than I was last semester. And that has helped me. I’ve been more talkative, and that helps. After months of just cruising, my mind is finally set in it’s tracks and I find myself entering deep thoughts without withering.

One of my best ideas so far? Valentine’s Day. Making it about me! I can take care of those cards for my friends, make the decided effort to clean up for my thesis, and make me feel special.

I feel as though I owe it to myself to make the life that I want to live. I owe it to myself to do what it is I want to do, not just float along life not thinking. Living takes energy. And it can be scary as hell. I know exactly what I want. I’m just afraid to say it because I think the moment that I say what it is, that I will not ever get it. I tend to think that once you create a possibility, it’s never going to happen.

But that may be for the best. Because if you dream, you can find something even better. I’m afraid to know what can be better. I just want what I want. Heh, I realize that’s rather immature of me. But I know that to be true, if you close your mind to possibilities you can be satisfied with whatever comes to you. However, if you let yourself dream, if you put in the effort and take the energy to live out your life, then you’re going to get it. And even more.

I keep looking towards the future. And it’s ridiculously scary. I know, stay focused on the now. But I tend to flash towards the future. Figure it out, if you know what I mean.

I need to go. But before before I do so. There’s just one thing.

I forgive myself for being destructive. I know it’s been a hard time, and I tend to handle problems either by creating or by destroying. It’s in my nature. I understand myself now. And I forgive myself for everything I have done. I relieve myself of all the guilt that I've pent up. There is no more need to curse, nor threaten myself.

This is the time that I should be celebrating my work. I know that it’s been painful at times, but when it was good, it was great. When you learn to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself, you loosen up a lot of that frustration and become less stressed. Life becomes easier because you learn to let go. Let go of your guilt like you have let go of your friends from elementary school, like you have let go of your old relationships. Keep the lessons and the good memories. But everything else can go. I deserve the happiness, success, and talent that surrounds me. We all deserve that goodness. Let them in, and purge yourself from those things that eat inside of you.

Balance the world within you, then you can begin to balance with the world around you.

Challenge, Don't Compare

2011 came in with the usual flash-bang of fireworks, fresh resolutions, alcohol, kisses, and inebriated popular cultural icons. (Here's looking at you Snooki... though I'm not a fan, not many get dropped in a ball.) As the year rang in, I kissed my dad on the cheek, sent texts of goodwill to family and friends, then went to bed.

Not exciting. But my new year didn't kick in till the following evening. I got an email from a prospective director for my latest work (i.e. thesis) and I was happier than I had been the entire year of 2010. At last, I was in a year that had some type of positive energy and luck. It was a great start... then I started to lose my energy. I've done more work for the spring than I did before, have visited old friends, and write more often. But sometimes it feels as though it isn't enough.

Still feels as though I have not done enough. That I don't have the stamina of a demi-goddess to tackle all of my projects. Or have the memory of an elephant so that I can actually remember to complete tasks that I started. And certainly, I don't have the magic to stop time so I can take care of more things during the day. Even though these images are unreachable, even my own mother can work laps around me...

And nothing discourages me more than a very occupied, busy, and rather organized mother.

Next thing I know, I bundle my clothes to the side, and curl up on a couch to read the latest in self-motivation.

Uh... hello? Something is wrong with this picture, besides that infinitely messy room. Kinda how I used a brillo pad to dust my room with. It's so obvious, that it's hilarious... in retrospect. If you don't do something... then it doesn't get done. Right? So sitting around, trying to read what I'm doing wrong isn't going to help anything. It's unproductive. I like that I'm able to learn a lot from reading, but taking action means so much more. It's the commitment and focus on an activity that makes it successful.

However, for the past year I've not been able to focus because I'm always worrying about every other thing that I have to do. Then I start to worry that I won't be as good as the other people around me, and reflect on what I do wrong, and how to change it. Don't get me wrong, self-evaluation is important, and can be helpful. However,  I'm warning about the habit of comparing yourself to other people and their standards.

Here's a basic example. You're writing a paper for school about, let's say, World War Two. You reread a paragraph and realize it's very messy. The self-evaluation angel says, "Well, that doesn't sound right. That sentence is weak, and I cannot pinpoint where the subject is..." Meanwhile the comparison imp says "What the hell is that c**p? That sounds so stupid. It's nowhere as good as my beginning statement."

One sounds productive, the other just ticks me off. Maybe because in a past life I was a perfectionist.

Okay, let's try another example, same paper. A few weeks later, after rereading and handing it in, you get the paper back. You're sure you did great, but the C- seems to disagree. The self-evaluation icon pops up, "Hm. Didn't see that coming.  But after reading the notes, I do have admit that the paragraphs don't really connect. Next time I write a paper, I should run it past a friend." On the other hand, the comparison bug cries out, "STFU... this teacher freaking hates me. All she ever gives me are C's or D's." Or "This is gawd awful. I can't write worth a damn. If only I could write like Anya..."

The main difference between self-evaluation and comparison is the ability to separate facts from assumptions. Let's face it, no one is perfect and cookie-cutter shaped. I see self-evaluation as a tool to develop yourself, and comparison as a way to classify. And it's here where I tend to make my mistake. It's too easy to compare yourself and say you're too lazy or stupid. It's a futile exercise in understanding what you can actually do. Self-evaluation takes effort and energy. Like any other human thing, it can run afoul, but it can specifically look at something without immediately resorting to outside opinion. Self-evaluation is your way on checking on yourself, based on your own internal and personal checklist.

I enjoy using self-evaluation because it helps me think progressively, not stagnate nor mislead as comparisons do. If I have a problem, then I want to solve it. Not dwell on my uncertainty. For all of last year, I was comparing myself to others, and found it frustrating as all hell. Comparisons didn't make me feel any better. Even when I was feeling good, comparisons meant little to me, for I enjoy executing activities more than I like thinking about them.

Recently I've been comparing myself now to what I was like last year. And honestly, I'm already worried. I'm afraid I'll spend too much time doing nothing or bumming around. Which I hate. But what good is all this worrying if I don't take the steps to change it?

What needs to happen is to take action on my feelings. It can start as a written plan, or a motto that I can replay in my mind when I feel stuck. Either way, it's about committing to rise to the challenge and succeed in what you can do. Not what I wish I could do with +99 stamina, memory, and magic.

How I handle the year is similar: I can't compare how it is to last year. I have to raise up to the challenge of making the most of the year. If I compare all the time, I'm not going to be happy. But if I take the time to talk to my friends, make totally awesome date plans, and find that summer job; then I'll be more satisfied than when I sit around thinking about how I would like to be living the life of someone else.

Most importantly, if I keep comparing myself to my cousins and their musical presence online, then I'll never put up my own videos. After all, you can't be a performer unless you ACTUALLY perform. So no more of that comparison B.S. My challenge this year is to have groundwork of an album completed and ready to go for 2012. End of the world my ass. This is only the beginning.