Let's get to the bottom of the matter here, life is naturally uncomfortable. We are meant to be pulled up mountains, and dragged through bushes. Life is volatile, vivid, and sensual. It is not stagnant or solid. It's fluid and without shape. We just don't like to think of life that way because it is scary.
Of course its scary. I'm not saying its anything else. But you can grab hold of it and control the way you react to life. Let me give you a real-life example.
Living life is like riding a mechanical bull. If you're too rigid, no matter how well you do, you will be sore afterwards. If you don't move in time with the bull, you're going to fall,slide, or fly off. But if you can balance on the bull, gripping in all the right places, you can hang in for quite some time. If you manage to fall off, reset your approach and try again.
I've ridden a mechanical bull only twice in my life. The first time I lasted 40 seconds. Second time, right after the first, I lasted 41 seconds. Usually my friends didn't last as long during the second ride.
So when you fall on your butt during life, get up, reevaluate, and start living again (proceeding in this order). Sometimes... that is all you can do: just try again. So stop sitting around. Get up and make the best out of life, and all it takes is you getting on.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
It Stings Under The Skin, Over The Mind
So I titled this blog, Intangible Battles. Why's that?
Because I am obsessed fascinated by the struggles of the mind and soul. More often my favorite books involve a mental struggle for the protagonist.
But what happens when that mental struggle arises during real life? You can't just save and load the game later... Can't close and read it when you are in a good mood. That's what makes it real life, it's harder and crazier than you imagined. And when you fail, it's way different than you imagined.
I will admit, I've been naive for most of my life. Sheltered, really, from harsh realities. Doesn't stop me from being interested in them, and hoping I drop into reality someday. Fantasy is tiring... childhood has to stop sometime.
So I am taking a moment to reflect on a topic that has been gravitating to me for months. Depression. A state where you feel worth less than you deserve; where you top to think only of the failures and weaknesses, no matter how strong you really are. It's the point when you give up, and float away from everything else.
I have not been diagnosed with depression nor really heard from a professional about this, but I have deducted this from screenings and my past actions, that I have gone through something like this. Most of all, I have the most stubborn personality and tend to refuse to give up or become suicidal. The moment I lost my stubbornness, was the moment I clued in to what was going on. I don't know about other people, but our bodies thrive to live... No matter how transitional your mind is, or how much you reach past parts of your mortality, your body still has the will and need to live. It's when you enter the situation of fight or flight that your feet will lead you to that ledge. I have felt my feet walk one way, while my mind flew in another direction. How horrifying is it to be actually separated from your mind and body? They deserve to work together, but separation and disagreements will only lead to frustration.
Depression made me someone that I'm not. And it's horrifying to see what destruction it has done to my life. Even worse, it's common... as familiar as the common cold. But much worse. While a cold may hold you back for a day or so, depression (depending on your self-esteem and confidence) can lower you to a more despicable you: Anger, mood swings, and really bad sleeping habits.
So don't hesitate, and act on it. Stop that little mind bug, and pull it out before it takes away your will. Check out these sites below, or go talk to a consular to get back on track.
All the best.
~Moi
http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm
http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/depression.html
http://www.liveyourlifewell.org/
Because I am
But what happens when that mental struggle arises during real life? You can't just save and load the game later... Can't close and read it when you are in a good mood. That's what makes it real life, it's harder and crazier than you imagined. And when you fail, it's way different than you imagined.
I will admit, I've been naive for most of my life. Sheltered, really, from harsh realities. Doesn't stop me from being interested in them, and hoping I drop into reality someday. Fantasy is tiring... childhood has to stop sometime.
So I am taking a moment to reflect on a topic that has been gravitating to me for months. Depression. A state where you feel worth less than you deserve; where you top to think only of the failures and weaknesses, no matter how strong you really are. It's the point when you give up, and float away from everything else.
I have not been diagnosed with depression nor really heard from a professional about this, but I have deducted this from screenings and my past actions, that I have gone through something like this. Most of all, I have the most stubborn personality and tend to refuse to give up or become suicidal. The moment I lost my stubbornness, was the moment I clued in to what was going on. I don't know about other people, but our bodies thrive to live... No matter how transitional your mind is, or how much you reach past parts of your mortality, your body still has the will and need to live. It's when you enter the situation of fight or flight that your feet will lead you to that ledge. I have felt my feet walk one way, while my mind flew in another direction. How horrifying is it to be actually separated from your mind and body? They deserve to work together, but separation and disagreements will only lead to frustration.
Depression made me someone that I'm not. And it's horrifying to see what destruction it has done to my life. Even worse, it's common... as familiar as the common cold. But much worse. While a cold may hold you back for a day or so, depression (depending on your self-esteem and confidence) can lower you to a more despicable you: Anger, mood swings, and really bad sleeping habits.
So don't hesitate, and act on it. Stop that little mind bug, and pull it out before it takes away your will. Check out these sites below, or go talk to a consular to get back on track.
All the best.
~Moi
http://www.webmd.com/depression/default.htm
http://helpguide.org/mental/depression_signs_types_diagnosis_treatment.htm
http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/depression.html
http://www.liveyourlifewell.org/
Monday, September 13, 2010
When Love and Lust Finally Miss
There are some people in the world who enjoy a one-night stand.
There are some that like to wait until they are happily married.
Then there are people in the middle of all shapes, colors, and sizes. And that includes me.
At some point tonight, I stopped thinking about all my responsibilities to others, and instead thought of the responsibilities to me. The question of my self-happiness with sex came to a halt when it stared me back in my face. It was then I realized... I don't do the random "Wham-bam, thank you Mam!"
Far from it actually...
There is a reason that as an artist I follow my heart. Some part of my heart has some seriously good ideas (though the mind is willing to debate that), and my gut instinct is pretty much spot on. Without them, I'd be stuck in sticky situations and lost on what to do. I would not have escaped bad friendships, nor have gotten out of relationships when I needed to. There are also things that I do not question. For example, without music I would go crazy. I'm in contact with music as much as possible, and I know without it completely in my life, I would become disorientated. Also, I know that I will be at home working in the theater. It's that sweet, but earthy smell of sawdust mingling with paint aroma in a small space that brings me back to the sentimental sensation of belonging to the theater again.
But there is something I have realized from my gut instinct that I tried to deviate from tonight. I challenged my instinct that love and sex are best with a friend. And wow... I know a lot more than I really do know.
It is possible to feel even more alone when you're laying next to someone.
Strangers are strangers... and I only trust them so much. When everyone is a stranger, we don't even bother to figure out what they like, what they don't like. We don't learn their story, and most of all, we don't even gain their trust.
I am a friendly person, but I'm cautious about what I share. I've had my share of creepers, and a-holes, so I purposefully shut others out. But for the friends that I gain, that's trust that I have earned. If I seem to threaten that trust by myself, I will admit to it.
It is because of that trust that I become mindful of my partners. I want to trust them enough to be able to derive pleasure from even the simplest things. I want to be able to trust myself with them, and to have fun. Without that fun and gaiety, pure and simple feelings, sex and all motions are devoid of emotion. There isn't even hate and desperation. It's just lust... and a loneliness that feeds on the gap between minds.
That cardinal desire grows like a weed, popping around everywhere until you rip out the root system.
It's one hell of a thing to fight, but I'll find a way to channel that emotion into something much more productive. Till then I'll stick to the motto, "Look, but don't touch."
At least, until I find that next best friend who will spin my world around.
Then we'll see what will happen...
There are some that like to wait until they are happily married.
Then there are people in the middle of all shapes, colors, and sizes. And that includes me.
At some point tonight, I stopped thinking about all my responsibilities to others, and instead thought of the responsibilities to me. The question of my self-happiness with sex came to a halt when it stared me back in my face. It was then I realized... I don't do the random "Wham-bam, thank you Mam!"
Far from it actually...
There is a reason that as an artist I follow my heart. Some part of my heart has some seriously good ideas (though the mind is willing to debate that), and my gut instinct is pretty much spot on. Without them, I'd be stuck in sticky situations and lost on what to do. I would not have escaped bad friendships, nor have gotten out of relationships when I needed to. There are also things that I do not question. For example, without music I would go crazy. I'm in contact with music as much as possible, and I know without it completely in my life, I would become disorientated. Also, I know that I will be at home working in the theater. It's that sweet, but earthy smell of sawdust mingling with paint aroma in a small space that brings me back to the sentimental sensation of belonging to the theater again.
But there is something I have realized from my gut instinct that I tried to deviate from tonight. I challenged my instinct that love and sex are best with a friend. And wow... I know a lot more than I really do know.
It is possible to feel even more alone when you're laying next to someone.
Strangers are strangers... and I only trust them so much. When everyone is a stranger, we don't even bother to figure out what they like, what they don't like. We don't learn their story, and most of all, we don't even gain their trust.
I am a friendly person, but I'm cautious about what I share. I've had my share of creepers, and a-holes, so I purposefully shut others out. But for the friends that I gain, that's trust that I have earned. If I seem to threaten that trust by myself, I will admit to it.
It is because of that trust that I become mindful of my partners. I want to trust them enough to be able to derive pleasure from even the simplest things. I want to be able to trust myself with them, and to have fun. Without that fun and gaiety, pure and simple feelings, sex and all motions are devoid of emotion. There isn't even hate and desperation. It's just lust... and a loneliness that feeds on the gap between minds.
That cardinal desire grows like a weed, popping around everywhere until you rip out the root system.
It's one hell of a thing to fight, but I'll find a way to channel that emotion into something much more productive. Till then I'll stick to the motto, "Look, but don't touch."
At least, until I find that next best friend who will spin my world around.
Then we'll see what will happen...
Friday, August 6, 2010
Who's the sexiest man alive?
I... I have to choose? Maybe if you age him back a few decades... Ken Watanabe.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Old Writing: What Belief Does to Us
On the count of three.
One... two... three...
FUCK THE UNKNOWN!
Say it again...
Fuck the unknown!
Do you feel better?
Good, but do you know why? Why do you feel so good? Is there a bloody reason why you wanted to tell the unknown, fuck you? I don't know either, but that's not my point.
My point is this: do you believe it?
Do you honestly believe in saying, Screw you unknown!? Well, do you? What did it ever do to you? Why are you harassing it?
In fact, do you even know how to believe? In this day and age of instant gratification, gratuitous information, and pure selfish egotism and individuality, do you even know what it is like to believe?
Did you know that believing and prayer can be one of the healthiest things to do when you are very sick? Some kids are able to overcome their cancer by believing that their cancer is something else eating away at them. Belief is a POWERFUL tool. It can cause miracles, but it can also be very overpowering. Ask anyone today about conflicting religions and fundamentalist groups. Those beliefs can become stifling and drown you. But recognize that belief is a tool that humans have used for centuries. Doubt me? Look at archeology, art history. There are traces of their beliefs in the stones, in ruins, under trees. Belief comforted us when we were weak. It comforted us when we were wounded. It spurned us on when we were frozen in fear. Belief is our rock when no one else would stand with us.
Religions love this! We like to be comforted so that we can still manage to live our lives to the fullest. Yes they create standards, but look at what else they are insuring. They grant some type of love, a legacy, respect from friends and enemies. Our beliefs define our lives and our deaths. Why can't we see the full 960 on it all? I think it is fine to question, but do we need to question ourselves down to the very last thought, or the very last cell? Questions can lead to answers, but they also lead to more questions. Are you really going to go in that damn circle again? How can you accept things if you always question them? Will you learn to actually be somewhat happy?
Honestly, I am a naturally curious person. That's fine. And I think everyone should have the right to question what is going on. After all, we want to know and learn about what's happening. But if those questions lead to questions for your entire life... do you really know how to relax. Do you really know how to let go? You can theorize and think as long as you want, but you won't know how to let things go until you tried.
Try to let things go. Try to accept the fact that you will be dead, six feet underground, or in an urn getting kicked around from generation to generation till that clumsy in-law or wild child knocks you down. Accept the fact that you got an F in your favorite class. But do not fail to learn from your acceptance! Did you stop learning when you got your job, or went to college, or were finally able to marry your love? NO! (At least you shouldn't...)
Let it go, let it go, let it go. Yes it's much easier to say than to do. But are you really going to carry around all that old guilt your whole life? How can you gather more memories if you have no more space for them? This isn't Harry Potter where you can remove your memories and keep them in the shelves of your library. And really, do you want other people to be so close to the memories that you try to hold dear? These memories exist for you. They are relevant to you. They celebrate your life. Learn to let go of those memories that haunt you. Format new memories with your new love to replace the heartbreak from the other person.
Memories just don't define who you are, there is also the lessons you have learned from life. These are the lessons that are ingrained in your heart, mind, and soul. These are the things that people get tattooed to their ankles. And guess what. Some of these are cliches. But think about it. Why are they cliches? Maybe they are cliche because they have been true for multiple folks, and they understand what the thing was about. Love is never easy. The best laid plans are made awry. You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Believe in those things your heart tell you, and the whole you agrees with. Trust your gut, and believe in it. Believe in your mind to grow and come to understanding. Believe that your heart will find love and will learn to love well. Believe your soul to be free. Believe your body can be sexy. If you find the true power to believe in yourself, you can become a more enlightened person.
Believe in believing, and believe in what you believe in. Many people may not agree with yours, but you may find those who agree. With modesty, learn to believe, and approach life with a vitality that kids use by instinct. Just believe.
One... two... three...
FUCK THE UNKNOWN!
Say it again...
Fuck the unknown!
Do you feel better?
Good, but do you know why? Why do you feel so good? Is there a bloody reason why you wanted to tell the unknown, fuck you? I don't know either, but that's not my point.
My point is this: do you believe it?
Do you honestly believe in saying, Screw you unknown!? Well, do you? What did it ever do to you? Why are you harassing it?
In fact, do you even know how to believe? In this day and age of instant gratification, gratuitous information, and pure selfish egotism and individuality, do you even know what it is like to believe?
Did you know that believing and prayer can be one of the healthiest things to do when you are very sick? Some kids are able to overcome their cancer by believing that their cancer is something else eating away at them. Belief is a POWERFUL tool. It can cause miracles, but it can also be very overpowering. Ask anyone today about conflicting religions and fundamentalist groups. Those beliefs can become stifling and drown you. But recognize that belief is a tool that humans have used for centuries. Doubt me? Look at archeology, art history. There are traces of their beliefs in the stones, in ruins, under trees. Belief comforted us when we were weak. It comforted us when we were wounded. It spurned us on when we were frozen in fear. Belief is our rock when no one else would stand with us.
Religions love this! We like to be comforted so that we can still manage to live our lives to the fullest. Yes they create standards, but look at what else they are insuring. They grant some type of love, a legacy, respect from friends and enemies. Our beliefs define our lives and our deaths. Why can't we see the full 960 on it all? I think it is fine to question, but do we need to question ourselves down to the very last thought, or the very last cell? Questions can lead to answers, but they also lead to more questions. Are you really going to go in that damn circle again? How can you accept things if you always question them? Will you learn to actually be somewhat happy?
Honestly, I am a naturally curious person. That's fine. And I think everyone should have the right to question what is going on. After all, we want to know and learn about what's happening. But if those questions lead to questions for your entire life... do you really know how to relax. Do you really know how to let go? You can theorize and think as long as you want, but you won't know how to let things go until you tried.
Try to let things go. Try to accept the fact that you will be dead, six feet underground, or in an urn getting kicked around from generation to generation till that clumsy in-law or wild child knocks you down. Accept the fact that you got an F in your favorite class. But do not fail to learn from your acceptance! Did you stop learning when you got your job, or went to college, or were finally able to marry your love? NO! (At least you shouldn't...)
Let it go, let it go, let it go. Yes it's much easier to say than to do. But are you really going to carry around all that old guilt your whole life? How can you gather more memories if you have no more space for them? This isn't Harry Potter where you can remove your memories and keep them in the shelves of your library. And really, do you want other people to be so close to the memories that you try to hold dear? These memories exist for you. They are relevant to you. They celebrate your life. Learn to let go of those memories that haunt you. Format new memories with your new love to replace the heartbreak from the other person.
Memories just don't define who you are, there is also the lessons you have learned from life. These are the lessons that are ingrained in your heart, mind, and soul. These are the things that people get tattooed to their ankles. And guess what. Some of these are cliches. But think about it. Why are they cliches? Maybe they are cliche because they have been true for multiple folks, and they understand what the thing was about. Love is never easy. The best laid plans are made awry. You don't know what you've got till it's gone.
Believe in those things your heart tell you, and the whole you agrees with. Trust your gut, and believe in it. Believe in your mind to grow and come to understanding. Believe that your heart will find love and will learn to love well. Believe your soul to be free. Believe your body can be sexy. If you find the true power to believe in yourself, you can become a more enlightened person.
Believe in believing, and believe in what you believe in. Many people may not agree with yours, but you may find those who agree. With modesty, learn to believe, and approach life with a vitality that kids use by instinct. Just believe.
Simple Beginning
Weclome to Intangible Battles.
This is my playground for thoughts and commentary of various sorts. Too often I find my mind clogged up with things that I want to share, but do not know how. I think a blog would be helpful to me, and provide a breeding ground for other thoughts of others. My work involves a large amount of analysis and processing. As an actress, I need the depth of a person and more. As a musician, I need the understanding of emotions and mechanics. As a stage hand, I need a sharp eye. As a leader, I need an objective and reasoning mind. With all of these labels, I go beyond what I know and learn more about others.
There will be a few blogs to go up quickly in the few days, for I have stored up a few pieces that I have written in the past few months. They cover a few topics, and tend to be a tad random. And then there is a bit of humor and I tend to be sarcastic at times. Can't afford to be too tightly wound up.
Thank you for checking out this blog, and come again to see more of my thoughts soon.
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