Shedding Skin, Dandruff By Dandruff

I feel like I'm nit-picking at a whole stretch of skin. Except of dealing with dry skin, I am dealing with a personality that just doesn't work.

How do I properly vocalize that I am not even living my own life? For the longest time, I was thinking I was just plain depressed and didn't know what to do. Yet now I am thinking, no, I know what I want to do. But there is something that I keep falling back into. Maybe it is a habit, or a well-trained person. Just the good little girl that was expected of me.

Good god, if I was supposed to be someone's tool, then I'd rather be dead than to have someone else take over my mind.

F--k culture trying to brainwash kids into being the images that their parents want them to be. Gender-typifying, stereotyping standards, ect. It is enough to make me want to go screaming around in the stores cursing their intrusive advertising attacks. I can't even shop any more.

To be with my boyfriend or certain groups of friends, I feel awake, more myself than I ever have been. But the moment I go into "normal" situations, I feel the pressure of being plain boxy normal.

There is a reason that part of my depression has included anger. I HATE being pressured into being something that I am not.

There is so much ignorance, uneducated, and underdeveloped people who run on insufficient information. And to be dealing with the lack of their curiosity kills me. How do you not want to understand even just a few things about your life? Why live the life that someone else has prescribed for you? Does it even work for you? What makes you think that your diet is sufficient and will make you a healthy and efficient human being?

And to acknowledge my own laziness is beyond frustrating. I live in two realities with two personalities, and right now it is bothering the cr-p out of me. I feel as though my therapist talks down to me, saying I am "a good, sweet, innocent young lady".

A. Suggesting I am good, means that you will react negatively if I were to voice my anger and things that I would otherwise not tell my parents.

B. Fuck being sweet. I don't want to be sweet. I want to be taken seriously you old geezer.

C. Innocent? Naive? Maybe a bit because I haven't been in certain circumstances, but it does not make me an idiot. And I am certainly more aware then some dumb-asses out there in the world.

D. Are you suggesting that I know absolutely nothing?

E. Fuck you, that sounds insulting. Why can't I just be a woman? Do you see yourself as someone above me?

This pisses me off, and the fact that I act differently in two different arenas. I fucking hate that I can't speak out loud the way I want to. Why can't I just get down to the nitty-gritty? I do NOT want to fucking talk about the damn circles that I have talked about before. I am done with that part of my life. You are making me relive something I have already forgiven and forgotten and have moved on in my life.

I am pissed off more at the fact that I have to listen to your assumptions. We haven't even gotten to the good part yet, why are you jumping down my throat?

I want my own god-damned life, and at 23, I'd say it's long overdue for a teenage rebellion. Fuck being the good little girl. I've grown up and changed. It's about time that my surroundings have done the same.

Getting Lost in the Closet and How to Get Back Out

Closet.

The word conjures up several different images. Skeletons in the closet, cleaning out the closet, coming out of it...

As Peter, Paul, and Mary would put it, it’s what’s inside that really counts. A room is reflective of the individual who lives in it. But if that is so, what does my closet say of me?

Shelf upon shelf is filled with mementos, clothes, and everything else that I could not fit under my bed or in it’s proper home. Plans for the future are cramped into a space with mismatched evidence of my past. Of course, none of it makes sense. Yet, I know the moment that I clean it out, I will see everything clearly. There will be no mystery of my closet left. There will be no more surprises about myself.

In that regard I am what astrology would call a true Pieces: disorganized to the point that it is predictable, relying on intuition and mystery to fuel dwindling inspiration.

I need my closet to be messy, or my bed, or my room. I dislike being so open and apparent. A messy room is a lived-in room. A pristine room is filled with so much potential. But I digress.
The closet.

My bane, but it could be your best friend.The things that matter most are placed forward, your clothes organized in some order that you prefer. Is it organized by every detail, or by generalizations. Such as shirts are shirts, with  your favorites closest to the door.

My issue is not the ability to clean my room, I fear what cleaning makes me become. The moment I allow myself to clear this gaping closet, is the moment I release the true perfectionist out. Shirts will be organized by color, length, and type; socks perfectly aligned and separated in a similar fashion; shoes, sandals, and slippers aligned in height and popularity.

And once I conquer the closet, I would have to clean the rest of my room to a similar perfection. My dresser, bookshelf, and CDs will have to suffer a similar fate. Let us not even mention the filing cabinet.

My lack of action is not because of the lack of energy, rather than the containment of personal idiosyncrasies. I know exactly what my closet would reveal. That woman is far more obsessed and exacting than I make myself seem to be. All these past years I have been trying to relax and ridicule myself into a state of Zen-like balance. Learning to take myself less seriously can only go so far, and looking into what I call my core personality may throw me back into my old habits.

No, I do not want to clean out my closet. No, I do not want to revert back into what I was before. I hook myself onto details in order to avoid what I was molding into being; not crafting my own path.
In the meantime, my method of attack is to approach the closet, my mess, my life, with an exact distance of interest. Interest of purging, but an emotional distance to the project. Perhaps there is a name that others use to this method, but I would argue that I hold too much meaning to too many things. Thus I always wait for the right days to clean, or to drop things from my life. Otherwise, I spend hours sitting on the ground reading old notes from middle school, rather than emptying the box in front of me.

No, I have not come across Narnia or dead bodies in my closet. Avoiding the gravitational pull into that black hole is difficult, but the anchor of my real life will always be right by me. There are crumbs leading me back to the moment that I have to leave. Otherwise I will get stuck back in high school, or elementary school. My mess is my creation, and thus of my own madness.

What do you think your closet says of you?

Licence To Be Awesome

Have you ever wondered how to be awesome?

Have you ever looked at someone you admired and wish you knew how they did it?

Have you ever complained how you can't do something because it just seems too hard?

Then wonder, look, and complain no more, for I'm about to tell you the secret to untap your inner amazing self.

There is no course to take. No certificate to confirm your status (I just said licence to catch your attention). You don't need to jump through flame-torched rings over pirana-infested waters. Nor do you have to bust out of a giant bubble, surrounded by fireworks on a stage towards an audience of A-list celebrities.

We are ignoring the glitz and spectacles to reach to the depths of your abilities, because awesomeness cannot always be bought. People tend to also recognize respect and some layers of character.

If you want to be awesome just to get attention, then don't bother reading any farther. Have fun making drama and keep your ignorance to yourself.

But... If you want to know how to tap that inner ability to enforce and empower your life, then listen closely.

Learn to reflect upon yourself.

Awesomeness is earned through realizing your own abilities and learning how to engage them with enthusiasm and dedication.

So take a quiet moment or steal a brief minute to really think about what you have done. Successful people do not think about everything that they cannot do: successful people think about all the good things that they can do and acknowledge what they can't do. By using what works in a focused way allows one to be effective in their work. Limit that scope of thoughts gives you a boost to look at the list of Can't-Do's in a constructive manner, so you can learn how they can improve.

Really, the person that you most want to impress with your abilities is yourself. I have found that usually my best support is myself. Yes, sometimes I have doubts, but I have found that my parents and friends remind me of my successes and ablilities. Sometimes I am stubborn and don't believe what they say. But when I am on my side, I have always found that I always do my best. Even if the project is a failure, I can still walk away with the satisfaction knowing that I did what I could and learned from my mistakes.

This mentality is also helpful when you are applying for jobs and schools. All those questions they ask are opportunities for you to talk about how you have handled your losses and gains. There are different things that happen in life, and how you handle them helps the HR learn what type of person you are. And if you believe in yourself and know your strengths, then you may be able to sell yourself better than if you feel doubtful. Over this summer I had observed my own lack of faith in my ability to find a job (though the market isn't particularly helpful). Despite the outside factors, I always felt so negative about the applictions. Each one made me feel worse and worse till I just simply gave up in frustration. My sense of reason became overwhelmed by my lack of faith coupled with failures that I was not able to continue. Whatever happened to that sense of individual support and pride that I had always offered to myself in rough times?

It took me awhile to remember how to relearn this lesson. There were several other failures in my personal and work life that have crippled me. It has taken me months to get my heart back, and even longer to get my head screwed back on straight. I don't worry about how those failures are seen by others; they do not know what those have meant to me, and probably never will.

But I am not here on Earth to tell people how terrible 2010 was for me. I am here to share my experiences and successes with people who are encouraged to learn from. May it be a tune from a song, a line from a play, an image from a poem, or a thought from my writing: these are done to inspire them to take a pause in their life to think of something or someone. This is my ability and I hope to be able to continue to do so. Even if there is no one really listening or reading, I continue to do so, for every hundred or thousands of people who come across me, only a few people will really be struck by what they discover. And I do all of this for that few. To know that I have that ability makes me feel so inspired, and always, I hope that I never give up this dream that I can have that effect. In short, I feel awesome.

I was a good actress in high school, but that didn't make me awesome. The applause and laughs did.

I am a great singer, but that doesn't qualify me either. But the tears and twisted guts do.

The clothes and boots I wear do not make me feel like this, the attitude that I take on with the outfit makes me believe in myself.

Find those strengths and take ownership of them. Not a lot of people will always tell you how awesome you are; family and friends only strech so far across time and space. Love and cherish them, but don't forget that you will also need yourself to help you become great.

Look on the inside, and I can guarantee you that you will be surprised at what you find.

Yes, You Need That Supplement

Ever think that you’re fine the way you are, that what you have is good enough; anything more would be unnecessary?  During this summer I have figured, oh, things will work out, there is not much I can do anyway. Even when looking for a new laptop I was limited by what I simply wanted. In my mind I saw a new laptop with my music, Internet, and a word processor. There was not much that I wanted other than a replacement for the Mac that met it’s tragic and premature fate. With the help of my family I came to choose a laptop that I fancied, merely because it was cheap. Oh, and that it came with the option to save itself from me. (Who knew that computers could be insured with drop protection?)
And now here I am, sitting in my corner of the house, typing my blog in a program that came with the computer. Finally, I can have easier access to my work and prepare more posts!
I didn’t need this program, but it has made me better. It’s the writing supplement that I never knew I needed. It is the fish oil to make my writer’s heart stronger.
Even my mind would do well with a supplement of happiness encapsulated in the form of an M&M. The point of these items is not to make you “not natural” or such, rather, it helps you improve yourself and your habits. In a world where perfection is the image of someone else’s dream, we should strive to be our best selves as much as possible.
So be the one to choose what supplements to craft yourself to be that You 2.0. May it be a program that makes life easier, or medicine that helps you achieve better health… continue to make your life enjoyable and better.

Challenge, Don't Compare

2011 came in with the usual flash-bang of fireworks, fresh resolutions, alcohol, kisses, and inebriated popular cultural icons. (Here's looking at you Snooki... though I'm not a fan, not many get dropped in a ball.) As the year rang in, I kissed my dad on the cheek, sent texts of goodwill to family and friends, then went to bed.

Not exciting. But my new year didn't kick in till the following evening. I got an email from a prospective director for my latest work (i.e. thesis) and I was happier than I had been the entire year of 2010. At last, I was in a year that had some type of positive energy and luck. It was a great start... then I started to lose my energy. I've done more work for the spring than I did before, have visited old friends, and write more often. But sometimes it feels as though it isn't enough.

Still feels as though I have not done enough. That I don't have the stamina of a demi-goddess to tackle all of my projects. Or have the memory of an elephant so that I can actually remember to complete tasks that I started. And certainly, I don't have the magic to stop time so I can take care of more things during the day. Even though these images are unreachable, even my own mother can work laps around me...

And nothing discourages me more than a very occupied, busy, and rather organized mother.

Next thing I know, I bundle my clothes to the side, and curl up on a couch to read the latest in self-motivation.

Uh... hello? Something is wrong with this picture, besides that infinitely messy room. Kinda how I used a brillo pad to dust my room with. It's so obvious, that it's hilarious... in retrospect. If you don't do something... then it doesn't get done. Right? So sitting around, trying to read what I'm doing wrong isn't going to help anything. It's unproductive. I like that I'm able to learn a lot from reading, but taking action means so much more. It's the commitment and focus on an activity that makes it successful.

However, for the past year I've not been able to focus because I'm always worrying about every other thing that I have to do. Then I start to worry that I won't be as good as the other people around me, and reflect on what I do wrong, and how to change it. Don't get me wrong, self-evaluation is important, and can be helpful. However,  I'm warning about the habit of comparing yourself to other people and their standards.

Here's a basic example. You're writing a paper for school about, let's say, World War Two. You reread a paragraph and realize it's very messy. The self-evaluation angel says, "Well, that doesn't sound right. That sentence is weak, and I cannot pinpoint where the subject is..." Meanwhile the comparison imp says "What the hell is that c**p? That sounds so stupid. It's nowhere as good as my beginning statement."

One sounds productive, the other just ticks me off. Maybe because in a past life I was a perfectionist.

Okay, let's try another example, same paper. A few weeks later, after rereading and handing it in, you get the paper back. You're sure you did great, but the C- seems to disagree. The self-evaluation icon pops up, "Hm. Didn't see that coming.  But after reading the notes, I do have admit that the paragraphs don't really connect. Next time I write a paper, I should run it past a friend." On the other hand, the comparison bug cries out, "STFU... this teacher freaking hates me. All she ever gives me are C's or D's." Or "This is gawd awful. I can't write worth a damn. If only I could write like Anya..."

The main difference between self-evaluation and comparison is the ability to separate facts from assumptions. Let's face it, no one is perfect and cookie-cutter shaped. I see self-evaluation as a tool to develop yourself, and comparison as a way to classify. And it's here where I tend to make my mistake. It's too easy to compare yourself and say you're too lazy or stupid. It's a futile exercise in understanding what you can actually do. Self-evaluation takes effort and energy. Like any other human thing, it can run afoul, but it can specifically look at something without immediately resorting to outside opinion. Self-evaluation is your way on checking on yourself, based on your own internal and personal checklist.

I enjoy using self-evaluation because it helps me think progressively, not stagnate nor mislead as comparisons do. If I have a problem, then I want to solve it. Not dwell on my uncertainty. For all of last year, I was comparing myself to others, and found it frustrating as all hell. Comparisons didn't make me feel any better. Even when I was feeling good, comparisons meant little to me, for I enjoy executing activities more than I like thinking about them.

Recently I've been comparing myself now to what I was like last year. And honestly, I'm already worried. I'm afraid I'll spend too much time doing nothing or bumming around. Which I hate. But what good is all this worrying if I don't take the steps to change it?

What needs to happen is to take action on my feelings. It can start as a written plan, or a motto that I can replay in my mind when I feel stuck. Either way, it's about committing to rise to the challenge and succeed in what you can do. Not what I wish I could do with +99 stamina, memory, and magic.

How I handle the year is similar: I can't compare how it is to last year. I have to raise up to the challenge of making the most of the year. If I compare all the time, I'm not going to be happy. But if I take the time to talk to my friends, make totally awesome date plans, and find that summer job; then I'll be more satisfied than when I sit around thinking about how I would like to be living the life of someone else.

Most importantly, if I keep comparing myself to my cousins and their musical presence online, then I'll never put up my own videos. After all, you can't be a performer unless you ACTUALLY perform. So no more of that comparison B.S. My challenge this year is to have groundwork of an album completed and ready to go for 2012. End of the world my ass. This is only the beginning.