Getting Lost in the Closet and How to Get Back Out

Closet.

The word conjures up several different images. Skeletons in the closet, cleaning out the closet, coming out of it...

As Peter, Paul, and Mary would put it, it’s what’s inside that really counts. A room is reflective of the individual who lives in it. But if that is so, what does my closet say of me?

Shelf upon shelf is filled with mementos, clothes, and everything else that I could not fit under my bed or in it’s proper home. Plans for the future are cramped into a space with mismatched evidence of my past. Of course, none of it makes sense. Yet, I know the moment that I clean it out, I will see everything clearly. There will be no mystery of my closet left. There will be no more surprises about myself.

In that regard I am what astrology would call a true Pieces: disorganized to the point that it is predictable, relying on intuition and mystery to fuel dwindling inspiration.

I need my closet to be messy, or my bed, or my room. I dislike being so open and apparent. A messy room is a lived-in room. A pristine room is filled with so much potential. But I digress.
The closet.

My bane, but it could be your best friend.The things that matter most are placed forward, your clothes organized in some order that you prefer. Is it organized by every detail, or by generalizations. Such as shirts are shirts, with  your favorites closest to the door.

My issue is not the ability to clean my room, I fear what cleaning makes me become. The moment I allow myself to clear this gaping closet, is the moment I release the true perfectionist out. Shirts will be organized by color, length, and type; socks perfectly aligned and separated in a similar fashion; shoes, sandals, and slippers aligned in height and popularity.

And once I conquer the closet, I would have to clean the rest of my room to a similar perfection. My dresser, bookshelf, and CDs will have to suffer a similar fate. Let us not even mention the filing cabinet.

My lack of action is not because of the lack of energy, rather than the containment of personal idiosyncrasies. I know exactly what my closet would reveal. That woman is far more obsessed and exacting than I make myself seem to be. All these past years I have been trying to relax and ridicule myself into a state of Zen-like balance. Learning to take myself less seriously can only go so far, and looking into what I call my core personality may throw me back into my old habits.

No, I do not want to clean out my closet. No, I do not want to revert back into what I was before. I hook myself onto details in order to avoid what I was molding into being; not crafting my own path.
In the meantime, my method of attack is to approach the closet, my mess, my life, with an exact distance of interest. Interest of purging, but an emotional distance to the project. Perhaps there is a name that others use to this method, but I would argue that I hold too much meaning to too many things. Thus I always wait for the right days to clean, or to drop things from my life. Otherwise, I spend hours sitting on the ground reading old notes from middle school, rather than emptying the box in front of me.

No, I have not come across Narnia or dead bodies in my closet. Avoiding the gravitational pull into that black hole is difficult, but the anchor of my real life will always be right by me. There are crumbs leading me back to the moment that I have to leave. Otherwise I will get stuck back in high school, or elementary school. My mess is my creation, and thus of my own madness.

What do you think your closet says of you?

Old Writing: What Belief Does to Us

On the count of three.
One... two... three...
FUCK THE UNKNOWN!
Say it again...
Fuck the unknown!

Do you feel better?
Good, but do you know why? Why do you feel so good? Is there a bloody reason why you wanted to tell the unknown, fuck you? I don't know either, but that's not my point.

My point is this: do you believe it?
Do you honestly believe in saying, Screw you unknown!? Well, do you? What did it ever do to you? Why are you harassing it?

In fact, do you even know how to believe? In this day and age of instant gratification, gratuitous information, and pure selfish egotism and individuality, do you even know what it is like to believe?

Did you know that believing and prayer can be one of the healthiest things to do when you are very sick? Some kids are able to overcome their cancer by believing that their cancer is something else eating away at them. Belief is a POWERFUL tool. It can cause miracles, but it can also be very overpowering. Ask anyone today about conflicting religions and fundamentalist groups. Those beliefs can become stifling and drown you. But recognize that belief is a tool that humans have used for centuries. Doubt me? Look at archeology, art history. There are traces of their beliefs in the stones, in ruins, under trees. Belief comforted us when we were weak. It comforted us when we were wounded. It spurned us on when we were frozen in fear. Belief is our rock when no one else would stand with us.

Religions love this! We like to be comforted so that we can still manage to live our lives to the fullest. Yes they create standards, but look at what else they are insuring. They grant some type of love, a legacy, respect from friends and enemies. Our beliefs define our lives and our deaths. Why can't we see the full 960 on it all? I think it is fine to question, but do we need to question ourselves down to the very last thought, or the very last cell? Questions can lead to answers, but they also lead to more questions. Are you really going to go in that damn circle again? How can you accept things if you always question them? Will you learn to actually be somewhat happy?

Honestly, I am a naturally curious person. That's fine. And I think everyone should have the right to question what is going on. After all, we want to know and learn about what's happening. But if those questions lead to questions for your entire life... do you really know how to relax. Do you really know how to let go? You can theorize and think as long as you want, but you won't know how to let things go until you tried.

Try to let things go. Try to accept the fact that you will be dead, six feet underground, or in an urn getting kicked around from generation to generation till that clumsy in-law or wild child knocks you down. Accept the fact that you got an F in your favorite class. But do not fail to learn from your acceptance! Did you stop learning when you got your job, or went to college, or were finally able to marry your love? NO! (At least you shouldn't...)

Let it go, let it go, let it go. Yes it's much easier to say than to do. But are you really going to carry around all that old guilt your whole life? How can you gather more memories if you have no more space for them? This isn't Harry Potter where you can remove your memories and keep them in the shelves of your library. And really, do you want other people to be so close to the memories that you try to hold dear? These memories exist for you. They are relevant to you. They celebrate your life. Learn to let go of those memories that haunt you. Format new memories with your new love to replace the heartbreak from the other person.

Memories just don't define who you are, there is also the lessons you have learned from life. These are the lessons that are ingrained in your heart, mind, and soul. These are the things that people get tattooed to their ankles. And guess what. Some of these are cliches. But think about it. Why are they cliches? Maybe they are cliche because they have been true for multiple folks, and they understand what the thing was about. Love is never easy. The best laid plans are made awry. You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Believe in those things your heart tell you, and the whole you agrees with. Trust your gut, and believe in it. Believe in your mind to grow and come to understanding. Believe that your heart will find love and will learn to love well. Believe your soul to be free. Believe your body can be sexy. If you find the true power to believe in yourself, you can become a more enlightened person.

Believe in believing, and believe in what you believe in. Many people may not agree with yours, but you may find those who agree. With modesty, learn to believe, and approach life with a vitality that kids use by instinct. Just believe.